


loving someone

by rumpledpaper



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: AU, F/F, Idiots in Love, canon? i haven't heard that name in years, canon? never met her, implied scholsen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-01
Updated: 2019-06-19
Packaged: 2020-04-05 21:31:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 20,746
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19048825
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rumpledpaper/pseuds/rumpledpaper
Summary: “But you’re... you.” Winn gestures wildly toward Lena, “if you can’t find dates then what hope do the rest of us have?!”Lena doesn’t know why she says it, only that she feels it climbing up in her throat, an itch that she didn’t know she wanted to scratch until the words are tumbling out of her, raw and shamefully satisfying.“Well, if I’m such a catch then maybe someone should just step up and ask me out then.”-OR-A video of Lena goes viral, prompting a cascade of suitors to come knocking at her door.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> charlize theron once called for someone to just man up and ask her out. that kind of sucked in a weird toxic masculinity way, but could be fun if i twisted it a bit and made lena say it instead.
> 
> so here's that. it requires a bit of suspension of disbelief. 
> 
> this is currently not rated but i plan on upping the rating later in the story.

 

Lena doesn’t know why she said it.

 

It’s such a short string of words, who knew the consequences they could wreak on her future. Well, Nia, perhaps. But she seemed to be preoccupied at that particular moment, paying no heed to the slew of sounds that came tumbling out of Lena’s mouth thoughtlessly.

 

It could be that the day had slowly ground down her patience, starting with a board meeting that quickly devolved into bickering and thinly veiled insults followed by a skipped lunch that had left Lena with a light throbbing headache by the early afternoon. It certainly didn’t help that upon arriving to game night she was sat across from Kara who looked annoyingly adorable in comfy clothes and a sleepy pout, a sharp contrast to Lena’s work skirt and the hum of her fourth afternoon coffee still echoing through her veins. And now Winn was leaned into her side, doodling absently in the corner of her score sheet.

 

As far as game nights go, this one has been utterly unremarkable. They’ve cycled through the games stacked high in Kara’s apartment alphabetically over the past few weeks, playing one or more games per night depending on the energy levels of the group (they’d slowed their pace after a particularly boisterous triple header of parcheesi, pictionary, and poker left everyone a little too drunk, broke, and peeved at Lena and Brainy for somehow dominating at all three.)  and have found themselves at the near end of the alphabet.

 

“The name of the game is Yahtzee!” Kara had called out to the group as they gathered around her table, only to be met with a collective grumble and a murmured call for another bottle of wine.

 

Ordinarily the group would be able to turn any game into a lively and rambunctious event, if last week’s game of ‘Truth or Drink’ that left Lena with a stomach churning hangover and belly full of regret was anything to go by.

 

But tonight there seems to be a fatigue blanketing the whole group, with the DEO seeing a surge in activity and Catco unusually busy with a spike in high profile hate speech and increased alien targeted violence. Even Kara’s usual bubbliness is tapered down, her chin resting in her palm while her other fist periodically moves to her mouth to stifle a yawn.

 

Nia and Brainy are the only ones who seem somewhat immune to the sombreness of the rest of the group, the two huddled near the end of the table, Brainy doing sleight of hand tricks while Nia makes short videos of them on her phone.

 

“God, I hate this game.”

 

“Oh don’t be dramatic, Winn.” Alex punctuates the sentence with a rather aggressive roll of the dice, the plastic clacking loudly against the wood of Kara’s table.

 

Lena taps her finger to the beat of a song playing lowly from the corner speaker ,watching with detached interest as Alex scans the pieces sprawled before her with a small sigh before plucking three dice from the table and tossing them back into her cup. Even with the stale atmosphere and Alex’s grumpy quips, Lena feels content. It had taken her far longer than she likes to admit to fully open up to the group, but now that she has she feels a sense of belonging that she was missing before. An affinity that encompasses more people than she thought her heart was capable of caring for, with one particular person right at the center.

 

Lena chances a glance across the table to where Kara sits slouching over the tabletop. Her hair is a bit mussed and her glasses are starting to slide down her nose but even looking like she’s about to fall asleep right there at a table full of people there’s still a ghost of a grin on her face that makes Lena’s throat feel tight with a blithe sort of happiness.

 

“But it’s _Yahtzee_. It reminds me of my grandmother.” Winn drones on, his face half squished into his palm while his other hand doodles idly in the corner of Lena’s score sheet. “And Brainy always wins anyway.”

 

“Hey,” Kara interjects, straightening in her chair, “we honor and respect all submissions into the game night rotation. No exceptions.” The severity of her tone is undercut by the yawn she tries to stifle behind her fist.

 

“I take no pleasure in besting you, Mr. Schott.”

 

Winn snorts, “Oh, I’m sure.”

 

“It’s a simple exercise in probability. Child’s play.” Brainy chirps. “Isn’t that the purpose of these game nights or have I misunderstood?”

 

“Brainy, I’m gonna need you to focus here,” Nia says, her phone camera framed expectantly on his hands and the coin that rests idly on the table near his fingertips, “That quarter’s not gonna disappear itself.”

 

“Why are you filming magic tricks again?” Alex asks, gathering up the dice and sliding the cup toward Winn.

 

“They’re illusions!” Nia corrects.

 

Lena answers Alex’s question for Nia absently over the rim of her wine glass. “Marketing wants all mid-level employees to start amping up their social media presence.”

 

She’d gotten the briefing from James earlier that week.

 

_(“I see the merit, but I still think attaching the company name to every post about someone’s lunch will eventually lead to a slip up. We’re already facing higher scrutiny than in year’s past, the last thing we need is someone doing something stupid like posting a drunk photo with a source.”_

 

_“Oh, please. I think you’re just sour because, despite your promotion, the famous Jimmy Olsen still isn’t exempt from the social media campaign.”_

 

_“You’re not wrong, but I still think it’s risky.”_

 

_“And I think you need to loosen up and let your staff have a little fun with the public that they so dutifully defend.”)_

 

“It’s being well received by shareholders so far. I mean,” Lena flicks her free hand with an air of levity, the corners of her lips ticking up, “Catco _does_ have such charming employees after all.”

 

Kara sends her a sleepy grin from across the table that _is_ objectively charming. Lena smothers a returning smile behind the rim of her glass and the deep affection that’s bubbling up her throat with a gulp of wine.

 

Winn huffs as he takes stock of the dice.”Guess I’m taking my chance already.” He murmurs and slides the cup to Lena. “Your roll.”

 

“So, do people watch them? Your videos?” Alex asks, leaning back in her chair and stretching.

 

“Not really.” Nia shrugs. “Not like Kara’s food truck posts anyway- here, do the card one next.” Nia slides a deck of cards across the table toward Brainy. “But people seem to like my ‘hottest Catco nap spots’ series that I’ve been posting to my Facegram.”

 

Kara chuckles at that, soft and sleepy, “Those are so fun.” She hums, eyes drooping contentedly, “So pure.”

 

“Exactly! People want to see something lighter on their feed these days. Something happy. So I’m just gonna throw stuff out there and see what sticks.”

 

“Sounds like Winn’s Ember profile. Up top!” Alex smirks, lifting her palm over the top of Winn’s head toward Lena expectantly. Lena is too focused on the dice sprawled out before her to think twice before her own hand is drawing itself to meet Alex’s reflexively.

 

“Oh _ha ha_. And Lena Kieran Luthor! Don’t you high five that!” Winn reaches up to swat at Lena’s hand with a grimace. “Miss I don’t need to use dating apps because I could date anyone I want but for some reason choose not to.” he says, his voice pitched up mockingly.

 

Lena snorts. “You seem to forget that I’m a Luthor-”

 

“No, no I got it. Billionaire, genius, perfect bone structure.”

 

“And social pariah.” Lena gathers the dice from the table and drops them in the cup with finality. Discussion of her love life had always brought about a tightness in her chest. A sad reminder that she would never date like her peers, would never have the freedom to explore relationships without the looming shadows of her family and their collective past and her own crippling self sacrifice for the sake of her goals. The few short relationships she did manage to have were built on secrets or untenable boundaries, half truths and just enough distance to keep whoever was foolish enough to think her a reliable partner at arms length. And to be honest, Lena had never found someone willing to stand _behind_ her, to stand _beside_ her instead of in her way. Someone strong enough to see her for the force that she is, the force that she _can_ be. Or at least no one had ever tried.

 

“Hey, you have us!” Kara’s voice cuts through her thoughts, reaching for the cup in Lena’s hand with a gentle smile. Her fingers brush Lena’s reassuringly and Lena can’t help but bend into the touch for just a moment before straightening again in her seat with a sad smile.

 

“What I mean is that despite what you may think, I don’t exactly have suitors lining up around the block. I’m either repugnant because of my last name or too intimidating because of my successes in spite of it. It’s a romantic catch twenty two.”

 

“But you’re... _you_.” Winn gestures wildly toward Lena, “if you can’t find dates then what hope do the rest of us have?!”

 

Lena doesn’t know why she says it, only that she feels it climbing up in her throat, an itch that she didn’t know she wanted to scratch until the words are tumbling out of her, raw and shamefully satisfying.

 

“Well, if I’m such a catch then maybe someone should just step up and ask me out then.”

 

Kara stutters in her roll, the dice hitting the table with a forceful bounce that sends one cube careening dangerously close to a wincing Alex’s face.

 

“Hey! Watch it!”

 

“Sorry.” Kara mumbles.

 

Winn stands abruptly, his chair screeching against the floor as he kneels down beside Lena with a flourish.

 

“Would you do me the absolute honor,” he slides both of his hands around one of Lena’s own and tilts his chin up to look directly into her eyes with alarming sincerity, “of accompanying me on a romantic and in no way platonic date between friends who could be more if only you were to take a chance and for once, just say yes?”

 

Lena sits stunned for a beat, a flash of panic flaring in her gut before she clocks the quivering corners of Winn’s mouth, and a relieved laugh bubbles out of her, full and bright. “Why thank you Mr Schott, I’m- I’m flattered,” She leans down toward her kneeling friend’s ear, her voice dropping in timbre but not volume. A stage whisper, “but you’re not exactly my type.”

 

Two dice go tumbling over the edge of the table.

 

“Yikes!” Nia and Alex say in tandem and Winn clutches at his chest in faux heartbreak and betrayal. He shoots Lena a wink and stumbles playfully back into his chair.

 

Lena can feel that warm affinity for her friends spreading through her again as she laughs at their antics, Alex and Nia teasing Winn playfully while Kara grumbles from under the table in search of the errant dice.

 

“Okay, I for one would like to erase this entire conversation from my memory, so who wants to play Truth or Drink!?”

 

“NO!!” “Hard no, Alex!” “God, absolutely not!”

  
  


\-----

  
  
  


The rest of Lena’s weekend is idyllically quiet.

 

By the time she’s pressing the button to call for an elevator to the LCorp lobby on Monday morning, several updated design drafts born from her interruption-free weekend on her thumb drive just waiting for a trip to the lab, she’s feeling surprisingly refreshed. Rejuvenated even, in a way that is only made more serene by a blessedly hot americano in one hand and the dopey face of one Kara Danvers shining up from the display of her phone in the other.

 

The photo is one that Kara had taken of the two of them the other night, her arms holding Lena’s phone outstretched, scrunching her features into a goofy pout, while Lena’s chin rested on her shoulder mid laugh. Kara had looked down at the photo for a few moments, her eyes softening into that clear blue that always set something fluttering in Lena’s stomach, before tapping at the screen and handing the phone back to Lena with the photo as her new lockscreen.

 

 _“You look happy.”_ Kara had said softly.

 

 _“I am.”_ The ease at which the words had sprung out of her had surprised Lena, but she knew without question they were true.

 

Kara’s brow had twitched up at the center for just a moment, such a fleeting gesture that Lena had thought maybe she had imagined it, before her voice dipped playfully low, _“and I look super hot.”_

 

They had both laughed at that until Alex had shoved a cup of dice into Kara’s hand and the moment had broken.

  


Lena smiles down at her phone, the memory distracting her enough that she almost doesn’t hear the approach of shuffled footsteps that come to a stop just beside her.

 

It’s not that she doesn’t trust strangers, but once you live through several assassination attempts you get a little jumpy. Lex’s goons had gone underground for the most part after his capture, and her security is tighter than ever, but she still can’t stop her shoulders from tensing or the hairs on the back of her neck from standing on end at the closeness of the person now angled toward her.

 

She turns to the figure with a polite smile and a nod before returning to her phone to feign reading a promotional email and praying for the arrival of the elevator.

 

From what she can see, her silent company is a young man with a mid level LCorp employee badge that catches on the fabric of his tie as he shifts his weight from foot to foot. He’s close enough that his cologne bites at her nose, only barely covering up the hint of sweat that another peak to her periphery tells her is pooling beneath his arms.

 

He doesn’t seem threatening, afterall if he had wanted to harm her he could have done it already, he’s standing close enough for christs sake. And if the nervous way he wrings his hands is any indication, he is more terrified of her than she is of him.

 

The longer they stand there in silence the heavier the weight of the man’s gaze feels as it bores into her side. _Do these elevators need to be upgraded? What the hell is taking so long?_

 

Lena finally musters a neutral smile and turns fully toward the man with one carefully ticked eyebrow.

 

“Can I help you…?”

 

“Oh.” The eyes that meet Lena’s are alarmingly wide. “Good, and you?” He lets out a nervous chuckle at his own blunder, wiping his palms on his shirt while Lena stares back at him blankly. “Pfft. Mondays, right?” He swallows thickly.

 

Lena stands steeping in the awkward silence, her brow slowly scrunching together in confusion and mild alarm. The tension in the air is so awkward it hurts. She wishes Kara were here, she always knows what to say in these situations.

 

“Are you alright?” Lena uses her best Kara voice, her tone soft and concerned.

 

The man opens his mouth to speak but before any sound can escape he’s snapping his jaw shut again. He blinks, a strangled noise escaping from somewhere in his throat just before he turns on his heel and walks briskly out the lobby doors and into the streets of National City.

 

 _What the hell_ …

 

Lena stares after him, unsure if the entire encounter had been imagined or maybe some sort of elaborate prank. Had Sam put him up to this? Whatever _this_ was.

 

“Hey, there you are!”

 

_Speaking of.._

 

Sam’s voice draws Lena’s attention away from what must be the strangest social encounter she’s had since boarding school to her windswept CFO and an opening elevator.

 

“Jess wants us upstairs stat. Something about a PR emergency.”

 

Sam grabs her by the elbow and pulls Lena along with her into the waiting elevator, waving her keycard in front of the elevator’s control panel before slouching into the corner with a sigh.

 

“Who was that guy?” Sams asks, leaning a shoulder into the wall as she digs her phone out of her back pocket.

 

“I legitimately have no idea.”

 

“Wow, you really are terrible at small talk.”

 

“One, rude. Two, I wouldn’t really call that encounter small talk.” Lena exhales, “He just sort of... stammered at me and then walked away.”

 

Sam doesn’t look up from her screen as she replies, “Well, he looked like you just kink shamed him in front of his bible study group.”

 

“I barely even said two words to him!“ Lena swats at Sam’s shoulder.

 

“Must be that Luthor charm, then.” Sam says with a smirk over her shoulder as the doors open and she strides into the open hallway.

 

“You know you’re really not as funny as you think you are.” Its a feeble comeback but she’s still reeling from the strange encounter and can’t think of anything snarkier as she trudges grumpily behind the shrugging CFO to her office.

  
  


\-----

  
  


There are three videos queued on the screen in the conference room. A wiry woman stands off in the corner tapping away at her phone while a man with a receding hairline and an overly starched suit presses a button to lower the window shades.

 

“Our department was alerted of a series of videos being circulated this weekend that could pose a risk to the company-”

 

“If it’s another troll posting outlandish eugenic theories using the company name, I trust the PR department can handle it without the attentions of the top brass?” Lena tries not to let her annoyance slip out between her teeth, but by the look on the man’s face she thinks she may not have entirely succeeded.

 

“This involves you directly, Ms. Luthor.” The man says firmly, stepping to the side of the long marble table and pointing a slender remote at the screen that hangs from the ceiling with no further preamble.

 

The first video begins to play and Lena instantly recognizes the scene. It’s Kara’s apartment, her game night playlist thumping lowly in the background, undercut with the distinct sound of dice being shaken. The camera is framed around Brainy as he flicks his wrist and makes a coin disappear from view of the camera. Lena knows what’s coming before she sees it, can feel something curling dangerously in her stomach as she catches sight of the side of her own face in the background, her flushed smile peeking out from behind Brainy’s shoulder just before the video ends.

 

“So Lena has questionable taste in friends,” Sam laughs, crossing her arms and addressing the room, “And you can _barely_ see her in that clip! I really don’t see why PR is involved.”

 

“Sam-” Lena places a hand on her friend’s arm. She doesn’t need to see the rest of the videos to know that they probably contain something that could be considered incriminating, however mild mannered, for the simple reason of having her face attached to it. The sharks at Lord Technologies have been chomping at the bit for any dirt that could bring LCorp’s stock value down, and Lena has a sickening feeling that it was just handed to them.

 

She wracks her brain for any potentially damning memory of the night, wincing when she remembers more than one wine fueled conversation with Winn about designs that have not technically been cleared for public release.

 

“What!? Magic isn’t _that_ bad.” Sam turns to face the man, “I’m sure you went through an embarrassing phase in your life at some point.” She leans forward, resting her elbows on the conference table with a glint of amusement in her eyes. “Let me guess, it was something like hula hooping... Or miming!”

 

“There’s more footage to view if you’re quite done… commenting.” The man’s tone is stern but the hint of red that tints his cheeks is unmistakable as he points the remote back to the screen.

 

Sam leans in close to Lena’s ear and whispers, “It was miming.” before slouching back into her chair with a self-satisfied smirk as the second video begins to play.

 

Ordinarily Lena would have to work far harder to suppress her amusement at Sam’s facetiousness. But as video Brainy’s hands shuffle a deck of cards, the action overlayed with sparkles and an animated rainbow that flashes mockingly on the wall of her conference room, Lena has to focus on fighting back the dread that twists in her stomach.

 

The music is softer, the chatter in the background much clearer than in the first video, and Lena drops her forehead fully into her hand at the sound of her full name being half shouted by a clearly annoyed Winn.

 

“Okay, that one’s a little bit harder to dispute.” Sam harrumphs.

 

“Yes, National City isn’t exactly teeming with Lena Kieran Luthors, is it.”

 

It’s the first time she’s heard the wiry woman speak since she’s entered the room and Lena curls her free hand into a fist so as not to text Jess under the table and have the woman demoted to sales for her snark. Who cares if the woman is right and only trying to do her job by protecting the company. Lena is enduring the mortifying experience of having her unguarded moments be unexpectedly exposed to the public, even if they’re just in the periphery. This woman can rot in sales for her sarcasm.

 

The last video begins to play and Lena doesn’t bother to look up at the screen. She doesn’t have to. She can hear video Winn’s voice clearly enough from where she hopes her head has now permanently taken up residence in her hand.

 

_“-what hope do the rest of us have!?”_

 

And oh no. It’s so much worse than she imagined. Why couldn’t it be her spilling the specs of her belt/grappling hook design?!

 

_“Well, if I’m such a catch then maybe someone should just step up and ask me out th-.”_

 

It’s unmistakably her voice. Anyone with an internet connection and half a brain would be able to pair the cadence and timbre of the video’s voice with any number of her interviews or press briefings. Except instead of talking about her company’s latest achievements, Lena is practically begging indiscriminately for a date.

 

The video ends and the room falls into a thick silence. Lena feels a deep flush creep up her neck as her heart thuds heavy in her ears and a sickening twist wraps around her insides.

 

“...Oh.”

 

“That’s more of the reaction this situation qualifies for, Ms. Arias.” The wiry woman sneers, and oh, Lena is definitely writing a strongly worded performance review for her later. After she gets her head to stop throbbing and her stomach to stop turning traitorously.

 

“These were posted three days ago and have since gone viral.”

 

Lena takes a deep breath, straightening in her seat and steeling her shoulders. There’s no time to wallow in self pity. She once again has a reputation to mend.

 

“What do you mean when you say they’ve gone viral.”

 

“Well…” the man looks uncertain on how to continue, “they’ve been circulated rapidly between several users-”

 

Lena cuts him off with a sharp glare, “I know what _viral_ means. What I’m asking is to what extent and by what means.”

 

“Oh, well as far as we can tell, it originated from a Nia Nal’s social media account-”

 

“Clearly.”

 

“- and from there was picked up by a blogging website. We were able to suspend a few of the accounts that had initially posted the videos to Mumblr, but the last video in particular is still being spread. We’re estimating it’s been viewed upwards of two hundred thousand times in two days.”

 

“Okay. That’s not too bad, right!” Sam cuts in, bringing her hands together with a clap. “Its not like it’s been picked up by TMX or Tonight’s Entertainment, this should blow over by the end of the day.”

 

“Ms. Luthor is the face of this company, and while she has been able to deflect criticism regarding the company’s past misdoings, this reflects poorly on her character directly.” He pauses to straighten his tie, “Lechery isn’t exactly at the top of the list of great leadership qualities. If shareholders get wind-”

 

“Whoa! Hold the phone, I _know_ you aren’t implying that Lena is some sort of slutty… maneater. Womaneater?” Sam squints, head cocking to the side, “people-eater...?”

 

Lena murmurs, “Not helping, Sam.”

 

“I mean, what she said was sad-”

 

“Still not helping.”

 

“-pathetic, even-”

 

“Oh, good lord.” Lena sighs.

 

“-but it’s not like she’s jumping into every bed in National City.” Sam continues, waving her arms through the air, “She just wants to go on a date for gods sake, she’s still a human being! And if this were Lex or any other man for that matter this would be a non-issue!”

 

“We’re just trying to get out ahead of this in the event that it _becomes_ an issue, Ms. Arias.”

 

Lena stands abruptly, desperate to put some distance between herself and whatever nightmare she stepped into when she entered the conference room.

 

“If that’s quite all, I do have other business to attend to.” she says in a surprisingly steady tone. “Get our social media people out in front of this, I want it killed swiftly. And keep me briefed, I want a progress report by the end of the day.”

 

She turns before another word can be said and sets a brisk pace to the safety of her office. She’s halfway down the hall before she finally releases a shaky breath that she didn’t know she’d been holding.

 

How _humiliating_. She’d sounded like some lovelorn, desperate teenager. Years she’d spent painstakingly chiseling her professional persona only to be brought down by her own moment of self-pitying weakness. Sam was right, it did sound pathetic. Juvenile even, and as loathe as she is to admit it, her PR team was right. If this were to continue to spread, she’d have to spend years rebuilding her professional facade if her business associates and shareholders were to ever take her seriously again.

 

Wait, is that why that man approached her this morning?

 

Oh god, Lillian is going to have a hayday with this…

 

“Lena, wait up!” Sam’s quick footsteps draw near and Lena takes a steadying breath.

 

“Whew! That guy seriously needs to loosen up. His hairline _cannot_ afford much more stress.” Sam says as they fall into step.

 

“He’s not completely off base.”

 

“Wait, Lena, you know this is nothing, right?” She places a reassuring hand on Lena’s shoulder, bringing their pace to a stop and turning to her earnestly, “People get caught saying and doing weird stuff on camera all the time, it’s just the world we live in. No one will care about this, I promise.” Sam gives her shoulder a squeeze and Lena feels a monocum of stress begin to ebb away, “This is small potatoes, it’ll blow over by the afternoon.”

 

Lena manages to muster a smile as they continue their walk toward her office.

 

“Thanks, Sam.”

 

As they round the corner, the sight that greets them stops them both short. Jess struggles to carry a large teddy bear with a garish embroidered heart in it’s stuffed bear paws, it’s neck tucked into the crook of her elbow in what can only be described as a headlock, as she juggles two vases of flowers in her hands.

 

“Ms. Luthor!” Jess sounds a little breathless as she attempts to nudge a vase onto the corner of her desk. It’s surface is already cluttered with three other vases, along with an alarming amount of heart shaped chocolates and bright pink and red cards. “Where would you like these?”

 

Lena feels icy dread pour through her at the glaring display, followed by a clap on the shoulder from Sam.

 

“Welp. It might be a _slightly_ bigger potato than I thought.”

  
  
  


* * *

 

  
  


Kara draws her lip between her teeth and stares blankly at her computer screen.

 

She’s written and rewritten this stupid article about this stupid politician and his stupid Twitcher posts three times already today. Why he decided to buckle down and stand by his awful views after all the backlash from the first post, Kara doesn’t know, but now there are five more, each one more unhinged than the last and Kara doesn’t have the energy to try to rationalize them right now.

 

She leans back in her chair with a huff, running her fingers through her already mussed hair.

 

She’d been distracted all weekend.

 

Ever since Lena had walked into her apartment looking far too good for game night and Kara had felt a content hum wash over her just at Lena’s proximity. Kara always felt better when Lena was around, happy and at ease and… free. Which was something of a rarity for Kara. What with the constantly on alert, super-powered hero thing she had going on. Not that she was complaining about her duties, she loves helping. There’s just something about Lena that makes her feel more like the person she thought she’d be when she was setting out to start her life after graduation. Like a person who has it all figured out, who has a plan and a goal and a purpose beyond work. A person who is happy.

 

A person who is completely, devastatingly in love with her best friend.

 

Well, younger Kara didn’t exactly have _that_ part in her five year plan, but as it stands it plays a pretty big role in the being happy and having a purpose beyond work bits so present Kara lets it slide.

 

For her part, Kara thinks she’s been handling the having feelings for her best friend thing pretty well. Even if she is constantly shoving down any emotions that border on inappropriate within the boundaries of platonic friendship to the point of sometimes temporarily losing control of her powers in Lena’s presence. Nothing crazy, just a bit of crushed furniture here and some frozen meals there.

 

Overall, it’s mostly just amazing to be in Lena’s life at all. Amazing that Lena deemed her worthy enough to be gifted with her trust, with all the precious parts of herself that Kara would do anything to protect. Kara wouldn’t give that up for the world.

 

But then Lena had to go and say… _that_ and now Kara can’t stop thinking about it.

 

Lena doesn’t feel like she’s desirable to other people, which is _absolutely absurd_. Lena’s the most incredible person Kara’s ever met! She’s brilliant and kind and ridiculously smart and has the biggest heart Kara has ever known, even if she doesn’t like to show it to many people. Not to mention she’s drop dead gorgeous. Objectively of course. And Kara can feel in her gut the twisted irony of being able to see all of these wonderful things that would make Lena a perfect partner precisely because Kara is her best friend.

 

Kara groans in frustration, her head falling back as she toes at the ground and sends her chair into a slow spin.

 

This weekend had been so… complicated for Kara. Lena’s words had nagged at the back of her mind like a weirdly sultry fruit fly and suddenly Kara couldn’t stop thinking about their usual encounters… differently. Like maybe she could have done something to prevent Lena from feeling so incapable of being cherished and desired. Like, maybe at their lunches Kara should have reached across the couch to intertwine her fingers with Lena’s as they talked, right when Lena would get that intense look in her eyes that Kara knows means she’s really passionate about her new designs. Or maybe she should have wrapped her arm around Lena’s waist and pressed her lips to Lena’s cheek last week as they stood in Kara’s kitchen unpacking takeout before their movie night.

 

The hypothetical scenarios feel so natural that Kara doesn’t know where the line should be, where friend Kara turns into something more Kara. She’s always chastised herself for thinking about it when Lena trusts her so completely, but it’s like the dam that had held back every more than friendly thought about Lena has broken and Kara needs to know what they could be if she were to look Lena in the eyes and step fully over that line.  

 

Should Kara have reached up and tucked a strand of Lena’s hair behind her ear that night on Lena’s balcony weeks ago, let her fingers linger at her jaw like she had wanted to? Maybe Lena would have leaned into it. Maybe she would have felt how deep the well of Kara’s affection for her ran, and maybe she would have finally been able to see in Kara’s eyes how adored she is. And god, maybe Kara should have kissed Lena all of those time’s she’d had the chance. Her lips have always looked so soft, how could anyone _not_ want to kiss them.

 

Kara rubs at her face and sighs in defeat, reaching her foot out to stop her spinning chair.

 

At the end of the day, no matter how Kara feels or how much it kills her not to give voice to her heart, Lena is her best friend. And more importantly, she is Lena’s, and Lena needs that to remain a constant. She needs that stability after all she’s been through.

 

_But…_

 

To be fair, Kara’s never really had that many female friends so she can’t really be blamed if she’s not that good at it, right? After all, she’d just assumed at first that the tingly feeling in her stomach whenever she saw Lena or heard her name mentioned or thought about her in any way at all was just part of the female friendship package. Like girls nights and gossiping and face masks.

 

And Lena _is_ objectively gorgeous, and has objectively beautiful eyes, and objectively kissable lips. It’s not Kara’s fault that she just happens to _also_ appreciate all of those features about her friend in addition to all of the things that make her an incredible person, right?

 

The sound of quick footsteps approaching her desk jerks Kara from her thoughts and she slams her laptop closed in an attempt to somehow hide the fact that she was just thinking about her best friends lips. The metal and glass creak under her palm and she turns with a wince to see Nia half running toward her desk.

 

“Can you please please _please_ text Lena for me and tell her that I’m _really_ sorry, I swear I had no idea so many people would see it and now I’ve lost control of it, oh god she’s gonna kill me-”

 

“Whoa, Nia! Slow down.” Kara looks around reflexively, making sure no one is in the bullpen that could hear the words ‘Lena’ and ‘kill’ in the same sentence and take off on an evil Luthor rant. It’s only happened once but still, one time was more than Kara could handle without breaking her desk chair, so she continues in a whisper, “Lena’s not going to kill anyone.”

 

“Pfft, I don’t know, I think she might make an exception for me.”

 

“What are you talking about? What happened?”

 

“You haven’t seen it!? It’s starting to spread on Twitcher now! I mean, if it had stayed on Mumblr it could have blown over but now it’s-” Kara can hear Nia’s heartbeat racing and tries for a softer approach.

 

“Nia, just tell me what it is, I’m sure it’s not a big deal.”

 

“Here.” Nia thrusts her phone toward Kara.

 

Kara’s brows knit together and her head cocks to the side. “Okaaaay, why would Lena be mad about Brainy’s illusions…?”

 

“Just wait,” Nia presses a button on the side of her phone and the volume of the video is turned up just in time for Kara to hear Winn’s voice shouting her best friend’s full name in the background.

 

“Yea, she’s gonna kill you.” Kara snorts. “Do you know how long it took me to get her middle name out of her?”

 

“Yea… except there’s more.” Nia winces.

 

Kara looks back to the screen to see Brainy holding an ace of spades between his fingers. She recognizes this particular card trick, it’s her favorite of his repertoire, but before video Brainy can flick his wrist to reveal two queen of hearts in it’s place, Lena’s voice is spilling out of the phone speakers and Kara’s heart stops. Kara recognizes Lena’s words instantly, she hasn’t been able to get the echo of them out of her head since she first heard them. But somehow hearing them now feels less like a fluttering in her chest and more like a punch to the stomach.

 

“Oh Rao…” If there’s one thing Kara knows about Lena it’s that she is intensely private. She would never want a moment like this recorded at all, let alone distributed all over National City.

 

“I know, I know, oh god. I could have sworn I had them muted!” Nia begins to pace. “And now there are edited versions and audio analyses and since this morning the most popular repost has doubled it’s view count…” Nia stops pacing abruptly, the color draining from her face, “I’m a dead woman.”

 

“No you’re not, I’m sure it’s not that bad.” Kara stands and places her hands on Nia’s shoulders. “Plus, Lena is your friend. I’m sure she’ll understand that it wasn’t intentional.”

 

Nia lets out a pained groan.

 

“Can you _please_ tell her how sorry I am? She’ll listen to you! You’re like a puppy, no one can be angry at you. It’s annoying. Please help me!”

 

Kara laughs, “Fine, but you should really tell her yourself too.”

 

“I will!” Nia perks up, “I promise, just… after I get a sense for how murdery she’s feeling.” She takes a few steps backward, shooting finger guns toward Kara, “you’re the best.” she punctuates it with a mouthed ‘pew’ before turning fully and striding away.

 

Kara shakes her head at Nia’s retreating form, a fond smile tugging at her lips before the weight of the interaction begins to sink in.

 

_Oh Rao._

 

Lena must be in crisis mode right now.

 

Kara is reaching for her phone before she can think twice, tapping out a quick _How are you holding up?_ , to Lena and plopping back into her chair.

 

She gingerly pries her laptop open with her fingertips, the relief of finding the screen intact and seemingly functional usurped by the wave of guilt at the remembrance of why she’d almost sent it tunneling through her desk in the first place.

 

She’s halfway through a frenzied email to Winn, calling in all her favors and offering to let him choose the games at game night for a month if he can somehow stop the spread of the video when her phone buzzes with an incoming call from Lena that she accepts immediately.

 

“Hey you.”

 

 _“Hey yourself.”_ Kara’s heart jumps at the sound of Lena’s voice, _“So I’m assuming you’ve heard…”_ , and then falls at the exhaustion she can hear buried in it.

 

“Yea, Nia told me. She’s pretty upset about it.”

 

Lena hums noncommittally.

 

“How are you holding up? I thought you’d be quarantined by PR about now.”

 

_“I was. I just needed to get away for a minute. I just… I wanted to hear your voice.”_

 

Kara smiles softly, cheek pressing into the screen of her phone. There’s a pull behind her sternum, a nagging need to drop what she’s doing and fly over to LCorp just to be closer to the voice on the other end of the line.  

 

“Do you want to come over tonight? I can grab gelato and we can have an emergency venting sesh?” She ventures instead.

 

_“As amazing as that sounds I think I’ll be here late tonight. I have a lot to catch up on. Lunch tomorrow?”_

 

“Of course. Text me later. And make sure you eat something or I’ll have Jess shut off your wifi again.”

 

Lena laughs and it almost sounds unburdened, and Kara thinks that in this moment she would do anything to make Lena happy.

 

_“You wouldn’t.”_

 

“Oh, I’m capable of unspeakable things, Ms. Luthor.” Kara teases.

 

 _“I don’t doubt that.”_ Her voice is rich and low and Kara can almost see the sly smirk that’s more than likely stretching slowly across her lips. _“Bye Kara.”_

  


“Bye Lena.”

 

Her cheeks are buzzing and there’s a pleasant hum pulsing through her body, thumping from the insides of her wrists as she sets her phone back onto her desk.

  


Kara still gets gelato. She still eats it on the couch in her apartment, a blanket wrapped around her lower half while an old movie plays soundlessly in the corner. Except Lena isn’t there, her heartbeat still thumping from her office across town, and Kara stares blankly at the spot on her couch where Lena usually sits.

 

As if on some cosmic cue, her phone buzzes with an incoming message. Its a photo from Lena of a salad sitting next to her work tablet with the caption _‘if I close my eyes it’s almost like gelato and Bringing Up Baby’_.

 

She’s blinking down at the photo, a simple yet impossibly thoughtful message. Intended to let Kara know that not only was Lena thinking about her but that she knew Kara would worry about her working too hard and missing dinner. That she knew Kara would be missing her and watching their favorite movie in her stead.

 

Only Lena could turn one photo into a reassurance, a consolation, and a revelation.

 

Something deep inside Kara’s chest clicks into place, all of the emotions that had been swirling through her for the past several days suddenly still.

 

Kara is in love with Lena, and it’s time she do something about it.

  
  
  


\-----

  
  
  


Kara takes a deep breath as she enters the LCorp elevator, one arm wrapped around a wide vase of flowers while her other palm smoothes down the front of her shirt.

 

“Just remember the speech,” she murmurs to herself, setting her shoulders as the elevator begins to ascend. “Everything will be fine.”

She’d spent all night planning, throwing her spoon into the sink and speeding into her suit for a quick jaunt to Cuba for Lena’s favorite species of plumerias. The flight there had been a rush. There’d been a frenetic excitement thrumming through her as she flew over the dark ocean at full speed, the doubt only setting in once she was hovering over National City again with the bright ‘L’ of the Luthor building looming in the distance.

 

What if Lena didn’t feel the same? What if Kara spilled the entire contents of her heart and Lena just walked away, leaving Kara’s love unrequited or worse, leaving it unacknowledged to grow cold pooling on the tiled floor of her office?

 

No.

 

That wasn’t Lena.

 

Even if she didn’t return Kara’s feelings she would never hurt her like that. She would never make Kara feel anything other than safe and accepted.  

 

So Kara set about putting her emotions in writing. She’d sat at her computer until the sun came peeking out over the horizon, typing frantically at first, and then with a controlled fervour, detailing just how amazing and beautiful and wanted Lena is.

 

Kara takes another deep breath as the numbers on the wall of the elevator climb.

 

She is going to ask Lena out. On a date. A _date_ date. Just like Lena had wanted someone to do.

 

Politely.

 

And with several minutes of deeply emotional preamble, of course. Kara’s not a monster.

 

“Even if she doesn’t feel the same, everything will be fine. Everything will be unbearably painful, but it will ultimately be fine.” She takes one last deep breath as the elevator reaches the top floor. “Your friendship is solid. Friend Lena is infinitely better than no Lena.”

 

The doors finally open to reveal a flurry of activity.

 

Jess is directing interns with armfuls of gifts and flowers to different corners of the common area where the surfaces are already full with brightly colored bouquets, packages, and cards.

 

“Put that Parisian chocolate on my desk. And someone please tell the front desk no more flowers! Or I’ll be sending them the bill for my allergist.” Jess wipes at her already pink nose with a tissue just as she sees Kara step off the elevator, “Oh, Kara! Ms. Luthor is expecting you.”

 

“Uh, Jess? what’s all this?”

 

“Oh,” she looks around at the lurid gifts stacked about the office, “offers of courtship, I’m assuming. Although it’s obvious none of these people know the first thing about Ms. Luthor.”

 

“Offers of…” Kara gapes at the dozens of gifts that line Jess’s desk, “but she hates lilies… and heart-shaped food… Why are people sending- ”

 

“Oh Kara! Thank god!” Lena rounds the corner and hooks her arm around Kara’s elbow, not bothering to slow down as she pulls Kara toward her office door. “Jess, please hold my calls. And when this is over I’m paying for that vacation to Aruba you’ve been wanting.”

 

Once the door is closed, Lena immediately slumps against it, her eyes slipping closed and head falling back with a thump.

 

“Lena… “ Kara hedges softly after a moment. Lena’s eyes snap open, almost startled, as if she had forgotten that someone was in the room with her at all. “Are you okay?”

 

Kara can see the dark circles that bloom under Lena’s eyes as she pushes herself from the door and into Kara’s space, enveloping Kara in a tight hug.

 

“I am so glad you’re here.” Lena’s breath puffs at the side of Kara’s neck and she squeezes Lena tight to suppress a shiver, “Today has been a disaster.”

 

Lena pulls away, her hands sliding from Kara’s shoulders and down her arms, stuttering in their movement as she finally sees the flowers tucked in Kara’s elbow.

 

“ _Plumeria filifolia_ ,” she breathes, her eyes softening as she looks up into Kara’s.

 

Lena is standing so close and her eyes are so green and clear and _open_ that Kara’s head swims. “I um, they’re your favorite.”

 

From this close, Kara can see the slow curl of Lena’s lips as she takes the flowers gently from her arm and draws them close to her face. She lifts her eyes again to meet Kara’s over the bouquet, an eyebrow lifted in amusement, “and elusive.”

 

“Pfft, it was nothing. Just a-” Kara arcs her hand through the air to mimic flying, “a quick stop. No big.”

 

Lena tilts her head disbelievingly and takes a step back, turning to set the flowers on her desk. The space gives Kara a chance to breathe again and she feels her head clear, the reason that she’d brought the flowers in the first place flooding back to her.

 

“I actually, um” Kara pauses, reaching up to her straighten her glasses and taking a step forward, “I wanted to talk to you about something, if you have a sec-”

 

A sharp knock cuts through the office and Lena holds up a hand for Kara to pause, whirling away from her desk and toward the sound.

 

“Hold that thought, Kara.” She tugs the office door open, “What is it, Jess?”

 

“Excuse me, Ms. Luthor?” Jess takes a tentative step into the room with a manila folder under her arm and a paper bag in hand, “Your lunch is here.”

 

Lena takes the bag and plops on the couch with a sigh. “While I do appreciate the food, why do I get the feeling that’s not all you came in here to tell me.” She reaches into the bag and hands Kara a container of noodles before retrieving her own container. “Please don’t say it’s more lilies.”

 

Jess winces, “I know you said to hold your calls, but Mr. Powell from PR has been trying to reach you all morning.”

 

Lena pinches at the bridge of her nose. “What does he want now?”

 

“At last check the video was at over 2.2 million views-”

 

“Wait, the video...” Kara cuts in, eyes wide. “ _Nia’s_ video?!”

 

Lena nods, stabbing a piece of broccoli with her fork. “And that out there,” Lena points toward the door with her broccoli before popping it into her mouth, “is National City’s response.”

 

“Oh. Wow. That’s…” The words get stuck in Kara’s throat. Of course all of these people would vie for Lena’s attention, after all that’s what she herself had come here to do.

 

Jess continues, “it’s getting a surprisingly positive reception. Shareholders aren’t shirking away as expected. Mr. Powell said something about it making you more congenial to the public.”

 

Lena huffs, skewering a carrot with a bit more force than is strictly necessary, “Well, I’m glad at least someone is getting some enjoyment out of this.”

 

“I’ve actually been going through some of the messages…” Jess straightens and brings the manila folder out from under her arm, “Some of these people are very impressive,” she opens the cover to reveal a stack of neatly organized profiles with information that Kara thinks isn’t necessarily supposed to be publically accessible, their messages attached to each profile with a paperclip, “Mr. Arens here is an executive at a tech company and Ms. Lozado works for NASA.”

 

Kara watches in shock as Jess pulls two slips of paper from the top of the stack and holds them out to Lena. _She can’t be serious._

 

Lena stares at the papers, her eyes flashing dangerously. “You can’t be serious.”

 

“Ms. Luthor, I’m going to be frank with you.” Jess sets the papers neatly back into the folder. “I’ve watched you bend over backwards for this company. You’ve given it all of your time, all of your attention and focus, and in so doing you’ve completely neglected your own needs.”

 

Lena scoffs, “That’s not true. I’m perfectly capable of taking care of myself, Jess.”

 

“You barely go home.” Jess says softly, brow furrowing in concern, “And if it weren’t for Ms. Danver’s you’d miss half your meals.”

 

“What are you trying to say,” Lena slides her food container onto the coffee table and crosses her arms, “that I need a caretaker?!”

 

Jess squares her jaw and takes a step forward. “I’m saying you need a life, Ms. Luthor.”

 

Kara sits frozen beside an equally frozen Lena. She’s not necessarily _wrong_ , but she’s not completely right either. LCorp _is_ Lena’s life, but there’s so much more to her and LCorp than just a company and a family legacy. She’s an innovator, a pioneer, a _hero_. Kara knows this, but for some reason her mouth isn’t forming the words that are billowing up inside her.

 

The tension hangs in the air for a moment before Jess’s arms fall to her sides, her shoulders dropping in defeat. “I know you Lena. I know how good and kind and smart you are. You deserve to be happy, too.”

 

Kara objectively agrees with Jess on that, but that doesn’t stop the violent wave of nausea that overtakes her as she watches Jess extend the folder to Lena once more.

 

“Just think about it.” Jess says, “No one is making you do anything, but you should know that there are people out there who want to know you. Maybe you should let them.”

 

There are a hundred different things that Kara wants to say. She wants to say that Lena doesn’t need a folder full of strangers to be happy, to feel complete. That she shouldn’t care about what other people think. She wants to shout that she is in love with Lena and that nothing would have to change if she just gave her a chance. But she doesn’t say anything, just watches in horror as Lena leans forward and grabs the folder.

 

Kara’s head is spinning. The click of Jess’ heels as she leaves the office is like a ticking clock, counting down Kara’s waning moments of opportunity. _What the hell just happened?_ She feels like she has whiplash.

 

“Well,” Lena feigns an exasperated smile but Kara hears the crack in her voice, “that was unexpected.” She sets the folder on the couch beside her and picks up her food again. She doesn’t look at Kara, just pushes the vegetables in her dish around silently.

 

“Lena, you don’t have to do this.” It comes out of her soft and steady but it feels like a plea, a broken desperate thing.

 

“I know. But Jess was right, I rely too much on her, and on you.” Lena sounds so far away, her voice lofty and tight “You both deserve better than that.”

 

“No, Lena, that’s not..” before Kara can finish Lena’s walls are slamming down, her eyes dimming and an overly enthusiastic grin stretching across her mouth.

 

“What do you say we narrow down some potential suitors?” She waves the folder between them before opening the cover.

Kara stares at Lena for a long moment, silently pleading for her to look back up, to open herself up again, but Lena’s gaze stays fixed on the page, unmoving.

 

“If that’s what you want.” It feels heavy on her tongue and even heavier in her chest.

After a long moment, Lena nods, her eyes never leaving the folder.

 

Kara pulls her face into a smile that she knows doesn’t reach her eyes, the dread dripping in her veins syrupy thick while her chest aches and aches.

 

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WELCOME TO TROPE CITY, HOME OF THE ICONIC DUO: LENA AND HER INTIMACY ISSUES

 

 

 

_ “Coming up on Tonight’s Entertainment: Lena Luthor is looking for love! A video began circulating earlier this week of the LCorp CEO calling for-” _

 

Lena jabs at the power button and tosses the tv remote to the opposite end of the couch with a groan. 

 

This whole situation had blown so wildly out of proportion. Tonight’s Entertainment? Really? Lena knew that taking the reigns of LCorp meant being in the public eye at some level, but she had liked to think her profile was low enough to avoid gossip magazines and cheap tv muckrake. 

 

But no, she’d found out the hard way that being the owner of a media empire did not in fact preclude her from scrutiny. In some ways it only exacerbated it, her only reprieve coming in the surprising form of James being at the helm of Catco.

 

_ “I can’t  _ not _ report on a story just because you own the company,” _ James had said, _ “but I can put it below the fold so to speak. Run the politician story instead. Honestly that’s what people should be more concerned with anyway.” _

 

Even so, she still doesn’t plan on showing her face at Catco anytime soon. Not until something new blows through their bullpen and she can pretend this whole calamity never happened. 

 

It’s been two days since Jess had dropped an emotional bomb in the form of a manila folder into Lena’s lap, a folder that Lena still refuses to treat with any less caution than if it were actually rigged to explode. Jess had marched into her office like some kind of emotional guerrilla warrior and ambushed her during her lunch with Kara, forgoing her usual gentle prying tactics and going straight for Lena’s throat. 

 

And maybe it had been because Kara had looked so timid and sweet standing there with Lena’s favorite flowers tucked in her arm, but Lena had been weak at that moment, weak enough that Jess’s attack had landed and now she sits in her apartment with a folder filled with suitors sitting menacingly on her coffee table.

 

She takes a deep sip of her wine and nudges the stiff corner with her toe. It’s contents had only grown since that first day to include people from Metropolis and Opal City, Jess having slipped more and more profiles beneath the manila cover during Lena’s more and more frequent board meetings.

 

Lena scoffs to the empty room. 

 

_ This is ridiculous. _

 

She’s a modern, independent woman, she doesn’t  _ need _ another person to make her feel complete. She’s the youngest CEO in National City, a TIMES 100 most influential person, on the short list for most Forbes lists, and her last name is known across the globe for christs sake. 

 

She doesn’t need a boytoy or girltoy or some proverbial arm candy to trot out at events. In fact, she finds that particular archetypal trope for people of her status a bit tired and cheap, a practice used mostly to distract watching eyes from the male mediocrity of most of her peers, and that’s something she’s proud to say she’s never been, mediocre. Plus, Kara usually goes with Lena to any formal event anyway, be it a press conference or a gala, her easy conversation and disarming smile perfect for soothing tensions and closing any awkward gaps in conversations. 

 

And as far as someone to share her days with and spend her nights beside, well in a way she has Kara for that too. Kara is the one she always calls when she has a breakthrough in her lab and can’t contain the excitement that surges through her, knowing that she will be just as excited if not more. Kara’s the one who nods along with interest as Lena rattles off every exhaustive detail of her conference call with the Hong Kong office. And Kara is the one at her door in seconds when Lena can’t sleep and needs to give voice to the fears that swim sharp and swift inside her. Kara is there. Always patient, taking everything that Lena gives her and cradling it close.   

 

So what more could Lena need?

 

Except this whole situation isn’t about what Lena needs, but rather what she  _ wants _ . And now that the avenue is open, now that it’s a possibility for Lena to actually indulge in that part of herself that craves and desires and  _ takes _ , she can’t shake the feeling that she kind of sort of just a little bit does want more. 

 

She wants to have someone to call her own. Someone to grow with and do dishes with and settle into place with the way sediment falls together into stone. Someone to spend hours exploring and pulling apart and trusting with her entire body, knowing inherently they’ll still be there afterwards, when it’s time to put everything back together and carry on.

 

But mostly she wants to not feel guilty anymore about taking up too much of Kara’s time. She wants to quell the gnawing unease that she’s keeping Kara from having something more of her own. That maybe she’s taking advantage of Kara’s infallible kindness for her own selfish needs.

 

Because if anyone does, Kara deserves more. She deserves to be cherished and adored in a way that Lena can’t give her, not from their current position as friends. And Lena doesn’t think that status will ever change, not so long as Kara remains a beacon of strength and truth and justice, and Lena remains a volatile liability. 

 

Besides, Kara’s never indicated that she’s ever had a romantic interest in women anyway, so the whole idea of being something more with her best friend is dead on arrival. 

 

Not that she thinks about it. 

 

Well, not often at least. 

 

Only when she’s feeling weak and Kara does something undeniably charming or wears those shirts that are tight around her shoulders or smiles at Lena in that way that makes Lena think she saves that specific smile just for her, like Lena is worth the tenderness behind it. 

 

Lena swallows those particular thoughts down with another long pull from her glass and yanks the folder into her lap. 

 

_ Ridiculous. _

 

She takes the cover between her fingers delicately, inhaling deeply and prying it open.

 

There are more profiles than she expected, the sheer volume of them a little overwhelming, and she quickly gets lost in them. All of the candidates have been meticulously vetted with their appropriately respectable messages requesting Lena’s company attached to the front. She pauses her page turning on a candid photo of a woman that was clearly taken from one of her social media platforms, her long hair billowing in some unseen breeze as she smiles warmly at someone just out of frame.

 

She’d thought she’d get an almost voyueristic satisfaction out of seeing these people stripped down to their constituent parts, but there’s something unnerving in the way they’re laid out like this, like Lena is selecting meats at a deli and not choosing a romantic partner. She flips the page, hoping the feeling will ebb with exposure, but the intensely detailed curriculum vitae that meets her on the next page and the group photo that gleams up from the next just makes her feel lonely and a little creepy.

 

It all feels a little too much, a little too overwhelming and she’s pushing the folder off her lap and grabbing her phone in an instant. 

 

She intends to call Sam. She needs a cool head and a steady hand to guide her in the right direction if she’s going to be able to go through with this, and Sam had always been able to push her to do the things that needed to be done, whether Lena liked it or not. That’s what Lena loves about her. That and her innate ability to cut through the bullshit and get straight to the heart of the matter at hand. 

 

But it’s Kara’s scrunched face staring back at her from the lockscreen as her thumb hovers over the biometric lock, and Lena knows before she presses the button who she’s actually going to call. 

 

_ “Hey you!” _ That tight feeling in Lena’s chest instantly loosens at Kara’s voice in her ear.

 

“Hey yourself. You wouldn’t happen to be free right now, would you.”

 

_ “For you, always. Is everything alright?” _

 

“No, no, everything’s fine.” Lena shifts against the leather and nudges the folder closed, “I just wanted to pick that brain of yours.”

 

_ “Yea, of course. Let me grab some pinot and I’ll be there in a few.” _

 

“Have I ever told you you’re my favorite person?”

 

Kara laughs and Lena feels it ring all the way through her.  _ “Maybe once or twice. But I’m not opposed to hearing it again.” _

 

“Okay, now you’re pushing it hotshot.” Lena chuckles, “See you soon.”

 

True to her word, only a few minutes pass before Kara is tapping lightly at her door with a loose smile and a bottle of Lena’s favorite wine in hand. She gives Lena a tight hug before breezing her way into the kitchen, grabbing a wine opener and two glasses with the ease of having navigated the space several times before. It’s a non-event, something so simple and commonplace, but the familiarity of Kara looking so comfortable in Lena’s home makes Lena feel pleasantly warm. 

 

Kara’s soft hum as she pours them both a glass of wine follows Lena into the living room, replaced shortly thereafter by the padded sound of socks against the wood floor that stop just before the couch as Kara holds out a glass to Lena before taking a seat in her usual spot on the center cushion.

 

“So what did you want to go over?” Kara adjusts into the cushion with an excited bounce, “Are you still stuck on that antiviral nanotech prototype from last week? Because honestly Lena, that design is incredible. It’s practically perfect as is.”  

 

“No, I was actually hoping you could help me with these.” She tips her glass toward the open folder on the coffee table.

 

Kara’s face goes slack and for a moment Lena’s afraid she’s made a misstep until Kara clears her throat and nods a little too enthusiastically, her voice tight.

 

“Oh! Uh, what is it you need my help with, exactly?”

 

“Just um, I was hoping you could help me narrow down some of the profiles. You’ve always been such a good judge of character.”

 

“So.” Kara swallows. “You want me to help you… choose a date.” Lena thought she had been pretty clear about her intention but the way Kara says it, slow and tentative, makes her nervous that she’s missed something. 

 

“Yes, if that’s okay.” Lena sets her glass on the table, her hands coming together to wring nervously in her lap. “You can say no, of course. I just trust your opinion over Jess’s.” Lena pauses, head tilted in thought, “actually I trust your opinion over anyone’s, if I’m being honest.”

 

And she  _ is _ being honest. Kara has always had an unyielding faith in her, has always wanted what was best for  _ her _ , not just her company or her projects or her relationships be them familial or friendly. Why wouldn’t Lena trust her implicitly? 

 

“I trust yours too, Lena.” Kara’s eyes are that clear blue again, that open and trusting well that Lena never fails to fall into, until there’s a flash of something darker and Kara’s looking away, leaning forward to pull the folder into her lap. “Of course I’ll help you.”

 

Lena shoves the strange feeling that she’s missed something again down deep and leans into Kara’s shoulder. It’s to get a closer look at the folder in her lap, but if it also makes her feel a little more grounded and a little less freaked out about picking a date out of what’s essentially a meat market lineup, well she doesn’t acknowledge that part.

 

They spend the better part of the evening flipping through the dozens of profiles. There are men and women alike, all with clean backgrounds, all with respectable social media presences, all with impressive resumes. 

 

Few of them particularly appealing. 

 

They make their way through the stack and before long Lena’s glass is empty and her couch and coffee table are covered with the sensitive personal information of her potential suitors. The air is looser and each time Kara reaches forward to grab another page Lena feels the warmth that radiates from her skin waxing and waning with the movement. 

 

It’s probably the wine, Lena reasons with a shake of her head, ignoring the swoop in her stomach as Kara’s fingers brush her thigh as she turns a page over in her lap. 

“Wow,” Kara whistles, “I didn’t even know you could have a credit score that high.”

 

Lena leans in to get a better look at the person in question, “Yea, but look at that forehead. I could land my chopper on it.”

 

Kara’s eyes widen, “Lena!” she nudges into her shoulder, “Who knew you were so shallow!”

 

“Well I’m not blind, Kara.” It’s almost certainly the wine that draws her eyes to where Kara has rolled up her sleeves to expose her forearms, the muscles fluttering as Kara reaches for the next profile.

 

“Okay, well so far you’ve found something wrong with every candidate.” Kara laughs and if Lena didn’t know any better she’d think that Kara was amused.

 

“Well, maybe I just have particular tastes.” It’s rumbling out of her low and teasing as she rests her elbow on the back of the couch, her upper body angling toward Kara and her fingers threading into the hair near her temple. Yea, the wine is definitely catching up to her. 

 

“And what are those, exactly.” The question hangs in the air, weighted and tugging at the base of Lena’s spine. Her eyes are drawn to the long column of Kara’s throat as she swallows, and maybe Lena needs more wine after all because her mouth is suddenly very dry. 

 

Kara shifts, her hand reaching up to adjust her glasses, and the heaviness that was clinging to the air dissolves. 

 

“I mean, I know that Winn isn’t your type,” Kara chuckles and Lena can’t help but join her, “and based on what we’ve established tonight neither is anyone who uses a sepia filter or has a… larger than average forehead.”

 

“And I stand by all of those.”

 

“I can pinpoint a dozen things that are deal-breakers, but... I don’t think I know what your type  _ is _ ?”

 

Lena blinks, her brain suddenly stalling. 

 

Huh.

 

It’s a simple question. Something that a person in their late twenties should have definitely honed into something that’s at the very least identifiable, but for some reason Lena can’t come up with a definitive answer. She knows almost instantly when there’s something she  _ doesn’t _ like in a person, but she’s never really sat down and thought about the  _ specific _ traits that she finds attractive.

 

Kara must sense her consternation, her eyes sparkling with amusement. “Lena…”

 

“I, um…” Lena sputters. Why can’t her brain just pick something, just one trait that she likes so she can blurt it out and stop the mischievous grin on Kara’s face. “Um, tall.”

 

“Tall…” Kara’s grin twitches at the corner. “Okay, I think Jess may have already factored for that. No one in this group is shorter than 5’7”...” Kara’s eyes are shining playfully and Lena feels like she’s somehow stepped into a trap.

 

“Lena, do you not know what your type is?”

 

Lena scoffs. “What? Of course I do. I just don’t…” Lena waves her hand, trying to somehow summon the words and Kara just cocks an eyebrow, “I mean, I don’t have a vision board with my perfect suitor  _ collaged _ onto it or anything. I just know it when I see it... you know?”

 

Kara’s eyes soften and she reaches for Lena’s hand. “It’s okay to not be sure, Lena.” She catches her lip between her teeth for a moment and Lena’s eyes are drawn to the pink fullness of it as she continues, “I wasn’t sure for the longest time, either.” 

 

Her smile is gentle and it startles Lena when she drags her gaze up to find that her eyes are impossibly sad. 

 

“I just don’t want you to jump into-” Kara looks away, taking in a sharp breath, “something... with someone based on criteria that’s not your own. It was really nice of Jess to be thinking about you when she put all this together, but you should be choosing someone based on what  _ you _ want.”  

 

Lena nods, feeling a little silly. On paper, all of the candidates spread out before her look like good enough people, but Kara is right, she doesn’t know what she really wants. She knows intuitively, like a longing that aches in her muscles, a ghost of an idea, but she doesn’t know what that looks like in the flesh, as a tangible person. In the past she’d always just gone along with what was expected of her or what was available. She’d never thought she’d actually get to choose someone that she really  _ wanted _ so why bother fantasizing about it? And she’s still not sold on the idea that she deserves whoever that person may be anyway.

 

“How about this,” Kara turns her body to fully face her, their knees bumping together and her hand squeezing Lena’s reassuringly, “Why don’t you think about it and make a list. Just write down whatever you think would make a good match for  _ you _ . That way we have some guidelines to go by and we won’t be just rooting around in the dark.”

 

Lena bites her lip, unsure.

 

“And I’ll be here to help you, always.” Kara squeezes Lena’s hand again, and when her eyes flick between Lena’s own she sees a hint of that sadness swimming in the corners again, “you deserve the best, Lena. And I’ll do whatever it takes to make sure you’re happy.”

 

“Okay,” Lena says, “I’ll try.”

  
  
  


\----

  
  
  


As it turns out, self-reflection and the close scrutiny of one’s own desires is… 

 

What’s the word Lena’s looking for? 

 

Oh right, hell.

 

It’s not that Lena is  _ incapable _ of being vulnerable, it’s just that there’s a vestige of sentimental callousness that Lillian instilled deep inside her from the first day she stepped foot in the Luthor manor that recognizes any type of vulnerability, especially if it’s within herself, and sets her skin crawling. And since one could argue that examining the nuanced flux of one’s own emotional landscape is the epitome of vulnerability, it’s a wonder she has any skin left at all.

 

At first she hadn’t known where to start, so she did what any normal twenty-something woman would do, she dove enthusiastically into the academic archives of the studies of human attraction, flagging various journal articles about pheromones and neurochemistry. But when that yielded little more than a defeated sort of existential woe, she found herself wading through Humfeed quizzes and old Catco columns, and eventually slumped over her laptop at 1am typing the phrase ‘characteristics of a good romantic partner’ into her search bar. 

 

By the time she’s walking into her office on Monday, stepping carefully around the tables that had been brought up from R&D to accommodate the growing number of gifts and cards that continue to arrive, Lena is completely drained. 

 

Her head is already throbbing and her eyelid is doing that annoying spasmy twitch that it does when she doesn’t get enough sleep when Sam responds to her emailed request for an impromptu meeting by charging into Lena’s office and jerking her thumb toward the door.

 

“I’m right down the hall, you weirdo. You don’t have to email me every time you want to talk.” She plops into the chair across from Lena’s desk with ease but Lena is all business.

 

“Sam, I’m sending you the link to a shared document.” Lena casts a pointed look to her friend before tapping on her tablet. “It’s a  _ personal _ document, and it is imperative that you don’t go blabbing about it to anyone.”

 

“Hey, I do not  _ blab _ .”

 

“And I certainly didn’t  _ ask _ to hear about all of Alex’s piercings, so we’ll just agree to disagree on that.”

 

She watches as Sam opens the file on her phone, her eyebrows shooting up as she scans it’s contents. “Oh? Is this-”

 

“Yes. A short list of attributes that I would prefer in a-”

 

_ “Tall and physically fit, must be in good health. _ Weird way to say hot, but okay.”

 

“You don’t have to read it ou-”

 

_ “Understanding of my career and schedule.” _ Sam continues.

 

“Okay, I guess this is what we’re doing then.”

 

_ “Has a defined sense of integrity, is loyal. _ Oof, a lot to unpack there.” Lena squints at Sam, sending what she hopes is a withering glare as her friend reads on.

 

_ “Has a good sense of humor. _ Oh thank god. It was starting to sound like you were looking for a new assistant instead of a date, but this is better, you definitely need to loosen up.”

 

“So I’ve been told.” Her eye twitches again traitorously. 

 

Sam continues to skim through the list,  _ “Dependable but not smothering. Supportive but not controlling. Intelligent but not elitist. _ These are… specific.”

 

“It was recently brought to my attention that I have an acute sense for what I  _ do not _ desire, so I thought I would sort of,” she twirls her finger against the surface of her desk, “reverse engineer those traits until I found something palatable on the opposite end of the spectrum. So to speak.”

 

“Hoh boy, thats…” Sam shakes her head, “you know what, I’m not even gonna touch that. Last one is,” she looks back to her phone and cocks an eyebrow,  _ “can integrate successfully into my social circle.” _

 

“What?” Lena doesn’t understand why Sam is giving her that look like she knows something that Lena doesn’t.

 

“Nothing, it’s just, that last one shouldn’t be too hard.”

 

“Why? Because you think I don’t have other friends? For the last time, I  _ have _ friends Sam. I don’t see them often but they definitely fall within the parameters of friends.” Lena’s hands make a square motion in the air to punctuate her point.

 

“No, that’s not what I meant, I know you have other friends, they’re lovely, it’s just, this list sounds kind of like-”

 

“Like what?” Oh god, did she fail at self-reflection somehow? Was that even possible? She’ll have to look into that later.

 

“Like…” Sam pauses, squinting in suspicion, “did you have someone in mind when you made it?”

 

“What? No. Why? Sam what does it sound like?” Panic starts to claw its way through Lena’s chest. 

 

“Nothing” Sam shakes her head. “Nevermind. This is a great start.”

 

“A start…” Lena echos blankly. 

 

“Yea, I’m sure you’ll add to it after you get out there. You know, get a feel for the field and whatnot.”

 

“Right.” Lena swallows, she’d been so wrapped up in making the theoretical list that she’d almost forgotten the very real people that were still filling her office with gifts and messages.

 

“Well, that’s settled then.” The air is starting to feel sticky and Lena fights to not show in her demeanour how awkward she feels.

 

Sam makes to leave but stops as her hand closes around the handle. She turns to Lena with soft smile. “I’m proud of you for putting yourself out there.”

 

The door is clicking shut before Lena can respond, a lump forming in her throat and a fondness prickling at her eyes. 

  
  
  


\----

  
  
  
  


She passes the list onto Jess and is surprised when her assistant replies later that afternoon with a date already lined up. 

 

“ _ Tonight!? _ ” Kara half shouts, and Lena has to hold the phone a few inches away from her head as she walks through the lobby to her waiting car.

 

“Yes, dinner at Tableau at 7 o’clock.”

 

_ “Oh wow, that’s… so soon.”  _

 

“Sam told Jess not to give me too much time to overthink it, which apparently translates into telling me three hours beforehand and crossing her fingers that I’m wearing appropriate french four course meal attire.” Lena huffs and slides into the backseat of her car, setting her bag on the floor near her feet and letting her head fall back against the soft leather. 

 

_ “I’m sure you look incredible,” _ Kara says softly, _ “you always do.” _

 

Lena shifts in her seat, straightening the hem of her skirt and swallowing back the affection that’s creeping up her throat in tandem with a growing blush. “Well, we’ll see what Mr. Lambert thinks in about-” she looks to her watch, “christ, thirty minutes.”

 

She had known in theory that she was agreeing to actually meet with strangers. Face to face. In intimate settings. But now that it’s happening she can’t suppress the way her stomach twists nervously and her palms are just a little bit slick. 

 

“Wish me luck.” She sighs into the phone.

 

_ “Your date is the lucky one, Lena. Just remember that.” _

  
  


\----

  
  


To say the date goes poorly would be too kind. The man that meets her at the entrance to the restaurant is tall and classically handsome, a business mogul with a crisp suit and a charming smile. But the way his eyes roam a little too freely over Lena’s body as he pulls out her chair and the haughty timbre of his voice as he orders a bottle of wine without so much as making eye contact with their waiter has Lena’s jaw clenching from the start. 

 

To her credit she gives him far longer than she ordinarily would to win her over, due in large part to Sam’s voice whispering in the back of her mind to loosen up and the rumbling of her stomach as trays of food pass by their table. But by the time they’re halfway through the second course, Lena having said little more than a polite introduction and the occasional affirmative hum as the man harps incessantly about his most recent acquisitions, Lena is sending an S.O.S. text to Kara under the table. 

Lena’s not unreasonable, she reasons with herself, she just knows that if she’d wanted to be trapped at a table listening to a young man who has no right to be balding so soon stroke his ego and cut off her questions she would start going back home for family dinners. So when Kara calls her thirty seconds later, Lena feels little remorse for the lackluster apology and flimsy excuse for leaving that she tosses over her shoulder on her way to the door. 

 

When she’s out the door and the night air hits her skin, she feels a strange sort of calm wash over her.

 

She’d done it.

 

Lena had put herself out there and it hadn’t killed her. Granted the date was terrible and short and her stomach is still rumbling and she’s already drafting a message to Jess to have her sell any stock she may have in any of her failed date’s subsidiaries. 

 

But somewhere deep inside, Lena can’t help but feel like she just took a step toward something.

 

Or maybe toward someone.

  
  
  


\----

  
  
  


It isn’t until much later that she decides to add another entry to her list. After she gets back to her apartment, a grinning Kara standing at her door with a bag of takeout and a sheepish shrug ( _ “I figured you probably didn’t eat much.” _ ). After she laughs herself sore at Kara’s exaggerated impression of her date’s haughty tone with a burger in each hand and sauce smudged at the corner of her mouth. 

 

And it isn’t until after Kara says goodbye that she decides to add another while she’s at it. After Kara pauses with her fingers wrapped loosely around Lena’s wrist and a glint in her eye like there’s something more she wants to say. After Kara swallows whatever it was that was perched on the tip of her tongue back with a light squeeze to Lena’s palm and a sad smile.

 

It’s when she’s alone in her apartment, the echo of Kara’s laughter still lingering behind her sternum that she opens the document. She taps out a few short phrases on her tablet before placing it on her bedside table and starting her nightly routine.

 

The tablet shines into the semi-darkness of the room as Lena hums from the adjoining bathroom, the phrases  _ ‘caring and attentive’ _ and  _ ‘down to earth, not pompous or pretentious’ _ shimmering from the screen before dimming and eventually going black.

  
  
  


\----

  
  
  


They settle into somewhat of a routine after that first night: Jess popping into Lena’s office mid-afternoon with the details of a date, Lena calling either Sam or Kara to share said details with them on the way, followed by Lena having a less than stellar time sat uncomfortably close to a stranger for the better part of an hour. 

 

It’s a learning experience, Lena tells herself on her seventh date as she sips at a martini and counts down the seconds until it’s socially acceptable to let the stammering and sweaty man sat across from her down easy. It’s not that he isn’t nice, he’s infinitely more polite than her first date, but he seems like he’s in a bit over his head as he fidgets with his tie and struggles to maintain eye contact. 

 

After each date she’s found that she learns a little bit more about herself and a little bit more about what she wants. Take her second date for instance, Lena learned that she is not immune to the effects of a bit of well placed muscle on a strikingly beautiful form. It had been a warm day and the woman sat across the blanket from her definitely met the criteria for physically fit, but Lena had been in no way prepared for the way her body would react when the woman’s tricep flexed as she hefted the shockingly large picnic basket to rest closer to the shade of the nearby tree. In the end, they’d parted amicably, their interests too far removed, but Lena had never been more thankful for the tint of her sunglasses and the heat of the day for their heroic work in masking her wandering eyes and growing flush. 

 

Her list had grown that day to include  _ ‘has similar interests, is scientifically minded’ _ . 

 

Similarly, she’d found after her fourth date that a well timed pout could make her melt, rendering her protests to climbing on the back of an alarmingly loud motorcycle inept. Lena admits that it had actually been fun, the way the wind whipped across her skin in a way that was eerily similar to being carried through the air by a certain caped blonde. But after she’d peeled herself from the woman’s back with slightly shaky legs and a slowing pulse she’d ultimately decided against a second date, citing a lack of ‘spark’ and the woman’s taste in code languages as the hurdles that Lena just couldn’t bring herself to jump.  

 

So it’s no surprise when her phone buzzes with an incoming message just as she’s about to cut her poor date loose and she feels her self-awareness expand once again. 

 

It’s a photo from Kara, her suit singed at the edges and soot smeared across her cheek as she stands with a hand on her hip and a smirk on her lips. The caption reads ‘when it comes to stopping arson, this hero is  _ on fire _ :)’ 

 

There’s a small part of Lena that hates the way she can’t help but grin at the corny joke, but Kara’s puffed chest and satisfied smirk pair so perfectly with the goofy caption in a way that is so quintessentially  _ Kara _ that she can practically hear Kara’s voice as she reads the message. 

 

She makes it out of the bar and into the back to her waiting car before opening her now frequently visited document and adding  _ ‘confident but not cocky’ _ just beneath the recently added  _ ‘Chemistry’ _ on the growing list. 

 

Lena sighs and flips back to the message, pausing with her thumb hovering over the screen before tapping once and pressing send, a simple heart emoji surfacing just below Kara’s photo. 

  
  
  


 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the next chapter will be brought to you by: Kara's suffering. so hold onto your butts, friends. its about to hurt.
> 
>  
> 
> P.S. you all are so kind and thoughtful with your comments, you're all the best.  
> P.P.S. don't mind me wilding out in the replies *pulls up collar and tries to blend in*


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> really leaning into that idiots in love tag here

  


 

Kara drags a grunting creature across the polished cement floor of the DEO.

 

Her face is stoic despite the sludge that covers the upper right half of her body, clinging to her cheek and gathering at the line of her jaw to drip slowly onto the front of her suit as she trudges toward the command center where J’onn and Alex stand hunched over a tablet.

 

It’s a familiar scene by now, seeing that Kara has spent more hours over the past two weeks in front of the towering wall of monitors or in the labs with Alex than she has in her own apartment. If she’s not patrolling the city skies or stopping armed robberies then she’s hunting down alien tech with J’onn or helping Winn in the archives.

 

Anything to avoid Catco.

 

She won’t say that out loud of course. If asked she’ll say that she can’t focus in the bustling bullpen or that her leads have hit dead ends. What she doesn’t say is that telecommuting with Snapper and writing from Noonans is the only way she can avoid the constant murmurs in the hallways, the incessant whispering that no matter how hard she tries to block out she hears every word of, always about Lena and always elaborate speculations about her latest dates.

 

And Kara gets it.

 

Lena is dating. Dating in a very public way. Which is a big deal. To everyone in National City, apparently.

 

_She gets it._

 

And she’s happy for Lena, she really is. Even if that happiness comes with a stabbing pain in her chest, she’ll always support Lena’s decisions and she’ll always be there for her, no matter what. She just can’t make herself sit through every Catco employee’s commentary on it without snapping every pen in her desk drawer is all.

 

Not that Kara doesn’t already know every excruciating detail about the dates already, Lena usually calls her before and after each one. And on _those_ particular nights she spends the entire time between calls pacing her apartment, baking souffle after collapsed souffle and rearranging her furniture, counting the seconds until Lena calls with the details of how her date just wasn’t up to par.

 

Which is it’s own emotional pretzel because Kara doesn’t know what’s worse: the idea that Lena is opening herself up to strangers who are so woefully undeserving of her, or that Kara breathes a tiny sigh of relief each time she answers the phone to hear the tired defeat in Lena’s voice after another unsuccessful date.

 

Her heart twists at the thought. _Rao, when did she become such a bad friend?_

 

She gives a final tug to the grumbling form and deposits it at J’onn’s feet with a thud. It’s a shape-shifter caught mid transformation, it’s lower half a mess of slimy amorphous limbs that has left a viscous trail across the tile from the entrance to the command station.

 

Why anyone decides to attempt a bank robbery anymore in National City is beyond her, but today she’s happy for the distraction.

 

“A Durlan.” Alex nods, arms crossed over her chest. “Nice catch, Supergirl.”

 

“That’s the third bust today,” J’onn eyes her wearily, “Why don’t you take a break, Supergirl. National City can survive without its caped crusader until tomorrow.”

 

It’s actually her fourth, but Kara doesn’t dare correct him, instead just shrugs and turns to fully face the monitors. It’s nothing she can’t handle. That and she’s running out of ways to avoid being alone with her thoughts. Thoughts that almost always lead back to Lena. Which normally would be fine, wonderful even. Kara would even go so far as to say that thinking of Lena is usually one of her favorite pastimes. It’s just that now it’s accompanied by a deep ache in her chest, a sickening feeling that wraps itself around her throat until she feels like she can’t breathe. So who can blame her if she’s a little less keen on letting her mind wander to impossibly green eyes and soft fair skin these days.

 

“I’m fine.” Kara dusts her hands off on the front of her suit before squaring her shoulders and gripping her hips a little too tightly, ”What else do you have for me.”

 

Winn spins in his chair from across the room. “Nada.”

 

Kara frowns. “Really? Nothing?”

 

He shakes his head and her shoulders drop.

 

“Not even a B&E?”

 

“Nope.”

 

“C’mon, give me _something._ ” She tries to keep the desperation from spilling into her voice but Winn still scrunches his face in a pitying wince and shrugs apologetically.

 

“I’m sorry, I’ve got nothing. Not so much as a jaywalker.” He perks up suddenly, his pointer finger in the air before he turns back to his screen, “ _Although..._ I did pick up something on our quantum satellite that you might want to see.”

 

Kara approaches his desk with renewed purpose and relief, intrigued as he zooms in to a spot near National City’s downtown city center. He continues to zoom closer and closer until Kara can begin to make out the shape of an alleyway just off the main strip. She leans in closer to the screen, squinting at the pixels for any signs of suspicious figures or unattended machinery, anything that could be dangerous, until Winn stops his zooming and she rears back in a full throated laugh.

 

The screen is paused on a box of half eaten donuts left open behind a dumpster. In the center sits an opossum with a suspiciously large belly and a half eaten pastry clutched in it’s paw, powdered sugar and jelly smeared across it’s furry face.

 

“I’ve named it Marsupial Kara because it _also_ eats donuts from the garbage.”

 

“Hey! That was one time!” Kara laughs and nudges his shoulder, “and they were still in the box!”

 

Winn raises his eyebrows and points to the screen, “That sounds _exactly_ like something Marsupial Kara would say.”

 

“You two are ridiculous.” Alex huffs from where she and J’onn hover over the creature that still squirms on the floor next to the command center with a tablet in hand.

 

“But you love us!” Winn spins in his chair to face Alex, his fingers drawing a heart in the air.

 

“I’d love you more if you’d help me take this down to containment…”

 

Kara looks toward the window in faux concern at the same time that Winn winces and holds his palms out in front of his chest helplessly.

 

“Did you guys hear those sirens-”

 

“But my hands are so delicate-”

 

Alex rolls her eyes and grumbles under her breath as she heaves the creature toward the elevator. Kara thinks she hears the words ‘useless’ and ‘idiots’ buried somewhere between the heavy footfalls and the squelching sounds of their retreating forms. J’onn looks between the two of them for a moment before silently shaking his head and turning to follow Alex down the hall.

 

When Winn turns back to his computer with a soft chuckle, Kara is left with the silence of their absence.

 

The monitors on the wall are calm and the air is still. No alarms. No impending danger. No distraction from the way the amusement that was just bubbling in her chest begins to wane and the dread beings to slowly drip drip drip back into her veins. It’s been a constant feature in her waking moments. That along with the weight that sits like a rock at the bottom of her stomach, like a punch that never retreated, taking up residence in her gut the day she’d left LCorp with her head swimming and her heart twisted insider her sternum and it hasn’t budged since.

 

“Hey.” Winn’s voice pulls her away from her thoughts, concern painted across his features. “You doing alright?”

 

“Yea. Just… tired I guess.” She sighs.

 

“Not too tired for tonight though, right? We need to be on our A-game if we’re gonna beat Alex and Sam at Blokus.” He nudges into her side. “Don’t go fading out on me now.”

 

“No, no, I’m fine.” It doesn’t sound at all convincing, not even to her own ears, and Winn tilts his head in suspicion.

 

“Really, I’m fine. I should probably go shower though,” She gestures to the slime that’s still plastered to her suit and a large chunk of hair that seems to be in the early stages of becoming one with the fabric at her shoulder.

 

“Okay, well we’re meeting at Alex’s at 8 so,” He flattens his hands horizontally and twists them through the air, “catch you on the flip side.”

 

“Alright, later dude.” Kara chuckles and turns to leave.

 

She’s halfway to the exit when she passes an empty desk with folders spread messily across its surface. It’s a perfectly normal scene, the DEO’s caseload had been heavy lately despite today’s sudden lull. But it’s the magazine that stops her short, a tabloid with Lena’s glossy face peeking out from under one of the casefiles.

 

Kara looks around once, then again to ensure no one is watching before nudging the file over to reveal a fuzzy paparazzi shot of Lena on her most recent date. Her face is captured through the window of an upscale bar, her profile smiling politely across a table from a blurry figure, and Kara feels something tight trying to claw its way out of her chest at the sight of it framed with a sensational headline.

 

There are too many emotions swirling inside of her, too much anger at this absolute monstrosity of a publication for exploiting Lena’s privacy so abhorrently, and too much sadness at the depicted scene that she barely processes the burning behind her eyes before the magazine is reduced to a pile of smokey embers on the desktop.

 

Kara’s eyes widen, panic freezing whatever tumult had just been rumbling in her chest.

 

She quickly blows at the embers, sweeping them into the trash bin and sliding a folder over to cover up the small scorch mark on the surface of the desk.

 

And okay, maybe she’s not as fine as she thought.

 

She’s super speeding toward the exit before anyone can comment on the smell of burning paper or the tendrils of smoke that snake out of the wastebasket, only slowing once her apartment door closes behind her with a definitive click.

 

-

 

She doesn’t speed through the shower like she normally would.

 

She feels too heavy. Too weighted with the warring guilt and desperation of the love that still pulses inside her. The love that continues to grow despite being shoved into the darkest corners of her heart.

 

Instead she turns up the temperature of the water, lets it beat against her skin until pink begins to bloom beneath the spray. Maybe this was for the best. Maybe Kara was never meant to be with someone as breathtaking as Lena. Maybe she was always meant to love Lena as one loves art or a goddess, circling around her feet, untouchable and so intrinsically beyond her. Destined to send unintelligible pleas to the stars in hopes of simply being noticed, of being graced with whatever small miracles she could get. And Kara had been given plenty of miracles, every time Lena smiled or wrapped her arms around Kara’s shoulders in a tight hug. Every second of Lena’s time she spent cuddled next to Kara on her couch or sat across from her at her desk at LCorp was a gift. Kara is just being selfish for not appreciating them for what they are.

 

She rubs at her face, tilting her head back and letting the water run through her hair and down her spine. Yes, she’s unbelievably selfish. She should be happy, thanking Rao for her position in Lena’s life and celebrating her happiness alongside her.

 

But instead she lays awake every night and thinks about... more. She thinks about marching into Lena’s office, pinning her to her desk without a word and kissing her breathless. About how she could rest her forehead against Lena’s and whisper every affirming word she’s been aching to say onto her lips, cradle her jaw in her hands and tell her just how adored and supported and loved she is.  

 

She thinks about Lena lying next to her in her sheets, the way the soft lights that gleam in from her bedroom window would look so good against Lena’s soft pale skin as she sprawls out into the mattress. About how she would yield under Kara’s hands as she ran them over every curve, her back arching and head falling back. How her green eyes would flutter and her lips would wrap around Kara’s name like a plea as she tasted every inch of her sweat slick skin.  

 

Kara stands there beneath the spray until the water gets cold, and then a little bit longer after that. The temperature doesn’t really affect her much anyway, it’s more the way the droplets patter against her skin, the streaming ringlets distracting her body from the ache inside of it.

 

When she stands fully dressed before the mirror, dragging a brush through her drying hair, she thinks of the way Lena always paces in front of her desk, one hand splayed open to cradle her tablet, tendons pulling taut beneath the skin, the other holding a stylus to her mouth, the tip resting lightly against the swell of her bottom lip. Kara can recall the memory so vividly that she wonders if it will somehow become twisted into her curls, travel through her nervous system and out of her fingertips to twine itself within them as she pins back the strands.

 

Regardless, she knows that the same memory or maybe another similar one will remain coiled close to her mind all evening, waiting to tumble out as she unfastens her hair later that night. Knows it will drape itself across her pillow and her eyes, framing her thoughts as she tries to sleep. As she tries to dream about anything else.

 

She’s placing the last pin into her hair when her phone buzzes from the countertop, and when she checks the time displayed just above the contact picture of Lena’s incoming call, her heart is bifurcated into elation and despair.

 

It’s just after six, the time Lena usually calls Kara as she’s on her way to another date.

 

For a moment Kara thinks maybe she won’t answer, instead fantasizes for a fraction of a second of leaving her phone to buzz against the porcelain as she flies to where Lena is and scoops her up in her arms instead, imagines spilling everything she’s been caging behind her ribs into Lena’s lap.

 

But her hand is reaching out without thought and she takes a steadying breath before accepting the call.

 

“Hey you.”

 

\----

  


“Where’s Lena? Did Jess forget to drag her out of the lab again?” Sam calls from the kitchen. She dumps a large bag of popcorn into a bowl and makes her way to the table where the rest of the group are settling in.

 

“No, she’s on another date tonight.” Kara plucks at what’s left of her napkin, most of it already shredded into a pile on the table in front of her. “With a neurosurgeon.”

 

If the last word leaves her mouth with an air of condescension, well, Kara doesn’t really have the energy to care anymore. Besides, she has more pressing things to prevent from slipping through her teeth.

 

“This is the second game night she’s missed.” Winn raises his eyebrows as he unfolds the game board in the center of the table, “I’m starting to get a complex.”

 

“You know what, good for her.” Alex rounds the corner of the kitchen island and approaches the table with a six pack in hand. “I’ve been telling her she needs to get laid for months.”

 

She sets the bottles onto the table with a clunk and Kara chokes on the air in her throat.

 

“Woah! Not an image I want in my head right now.” Winn waves his hands in front of his face.

 

“Oh don’t be a prude, Winn.” Sam sinks into her chair with a smirk, “We can all agree that Lena deserves a good _mort douce_ as much as the next person. You should be happy for her!”

 

“Uhh, hork!” Winn retches loud and exaggerated and barely conceals the loud creak that emanates from Kara’s chair. She’s pretty sure all the blood has left her knuckles completely as she tries to control the intensity of her grip on the wood beneath her thigh. “Why would that make me happy?!” Winn continues with a squeak.

 

“Because we were happy for you when you and James finally came to your senses and started-” Alex raises her eyebrows, the pointer finger of her one hand jabbing into the space created by the index finger and thumb of her other.

 

“Okay!” Kara raises her palms to stop the horrifying image that Alex’s hands are invoking, “We get it, everybody’s happy!”  

 

“Some a little more than others.” Sam mumbles and stuffs a handful of popcorn into her mouth.

 

“I for one am happy TMX finally stopped playing my video!” Nia angles her chair closer to the game board. “I mean Lena said she wasn’t mad, but that whole thing got _way_ out of control.”

 

Nia’s fingers curl against the wood of the table, tapping out a nervous rhythm, and Kara’s eyes hone in on the movement, desperate for a distraction from the topic that seems to be hunting her for sport as of late. “And you know Lena, she’ll say she’s fine but you never _really_ know. I wouldn’t be surprised if she has a vivid fantasy of strapping me to a rocket and launching me into the phantom zone buried somewhere in one of her brain boxes.”

 

Brainy nods beside her, twisting his lips and squinting in contemplation. “That _is_ technically a possibility.”

 

The words escape her throat as if on instinct, the need to interject and defend a compulsion that by now feels as natural to Kara as breathing, “No, Lena would never hurt you. You know deep down she’s a softy.”

 

Normally the statement would come barrelling out of her, all fiery indignation and thinly veiled chivalry. But instead it falls flat, spoken directly at her hands, and she’s too busy twisting the shreds of her napkin between her fingers to notice the way Sam and Alex share a meaningful look across the table.

 

“Yea, I know.” Nia reaches into the box to pluck out the green game pieces and places them on the table between herself and Brainy with a sigh. “I just feel so bad, you know? Like, if that were me I’d be dying my hair blonde and moving to Montana to start my new life as an eclectic recluse who sells animal bone jewelry on Etsy.”

 

“That’s worryingly specific.”  

 

“Yea...” Nia’s eyes are wide and unfocused, “I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately.” She shakes the thought from her head and continues, “But I’ve also been doing some hardcore damage control on Twitcher. Check it out,” She reaches for her phone, tapping at the screen and then turning it to face Kara, “I’ve gotten six people to delete their reposts of the video so far.”

 

A comment is highlighted on the screen under one of the deactivated video posts that reads ‘LEAVE LENA LUTHOR ALONE OR PERISH’. Followed by an alarming amount of emoji weapons.

 

“Whoa,” Kara’s eyes widen at the words, “you should probably dial that back a notch or two. You’re going to get reported.”

 

“Oh, no. My account has 100% already been suspended, this is a junk account.” She presses a button on the side of her phone and places it face down on the table. “It’s just... this whole thing is my fault. I feel like I have to do _something_ , even if that’s just being crazy scary to people on the internet.”

 

Kara wishes Lena were here to hear the conviction in Nia’s tone, to know that she has friends that will stand up for her. But she settles for a quick squeeze to Nia’s hand in its stead.

 

”Just please be careful,” she pleads before leaning in closer to whisper under her breath, “but, also nice job.”

 

Kara doesn’t catch the kick that Sam sends to Nia’s shin under the table. “Speaking of crazy things on the internet…” Sam quirks her eyebrow in another pointed look, this one aimed at Nia over the rim of her beer.

 

“Right, oh my gosh, you wanna hear something funny?” Nia says tentatively, fidgeting with a game piece between her fingers, “It’s totally bonkers, you’re gonna laugh.” She chuckles nervously and Kara squints at her in suspicion. “So there’s this huge group of people on Mumblr who want Lena to go on a date with Supergirl. Isn’t that wild?!”

 

Kara’s freezes, every cell in her body coming to a crashing halt.

 

“Oh wow, you’re right! That _is_ crazy.” Sam looks at Kara, eyes gleaming. “Isn’t that crazy, Kara?”

 

The sound that chokes out of Kara’s mouth could technically be categorized as a laugh in the broad sense of the word, but even to her ears it sounds maniacal and strained.

 

“That is-” Kara laughs again and Alex doesn’t bother to hide the way her eyebrows shoot up into her hairline or her amused grin as Kara stammers. “That’s _totally_ insane. We’re friends!”

 

All eyes are on her as she squirms in her chair.

 

_Why does this feel like a trap?_

 

Alex is staring at her with an intensity that she can’t quite get a read on and Kara’s heart doubles it’s pace. “Friends date all the time,” Alex shrugs, “Winn and James were friends before they got together.”

 

There’s a wrestling match going on inside Kara’s chest between hope and reality and it’s knocking all of her other repressed feelings loose in the process. She’s been thinking nonstop about nothing else but Lena for the past several weeks, worrying incessantly about the possible fallout of taking a leap and finally giving in to her feelings. And now her friends are gathered around her, looking at her like they _know,_ like they can see straight into her brain at every hope and want and wish, like they’re ready to catch her if Kara were to just take a deep breath and jump.

 

It’s a perfect opportunity. A golden, silver plattered, perfectly timed window for Kara to finally admit out loud that she is in love with Lena and she _chokes_.

 

“Well, Lena and I aren’t that kind of friends.”

 

_Rao, why did she say that?!_

 

It’s too much, the way Sam’s eyes squeeze at the corners in a mirror image of Alex’s, all pity and exasperation and worse, understanding. Like they’d expected the cop out, like they’d expected Kara to cower at the gentle prodding despite their hopes for the contrary. It’s too much for Kara to take in so she lets her eyes fall to the floor in tandem with her stomach and prays for a change in topic.

 

Her prayer must not make it in time. It must be blocked from the heavens by some malevolent fifth dimensional being, swatted back at her like a basketball that’s been blocked from the net and comes bouncing back to hit her square in the face.

 

“I don’t know… I think you’d make a cute couple.”

 

The air in the room becomes unnaturally still as the entire group holds their collective breath.

 

Kara’s not even sure who said it, only that it knocks every other thought clear out of her mind. They said it like it was simple, like the concept could somehow exist in this universe and not be absolutely, categorically, _way_ too good to be true.

 

But… that little splinter of hope throbs in her chest again.

 

Objectively they are pretty cute.

 

And _Rao_ , it feels so good to just let herself imagine...

 

_NO!_

 

It isn’t real, just an untenable fantasy, _dangerous_ and sickly sweet, like a poison apple that once Kara digs her teeth into it will show it’s kryptonite core and leave her broken, and she needs to shut it down swiftly and convincingly.

 

“Pfft, no offence, but Lena is-” Kara’s knows her eyes are too wide but there’s too much going on in her body to keep her expressions in check. She’s rapidly scanning her brain for something she finds off putting about Lena, just one thing, but she comes up blank and panics instead. “-she’s ugly.”

 

Welp, so much for being convincing.  

 

It’s too late to suck the words back into her chest so Kara shakes her head and shrugs, doubling down on the obvious lie, “She’s ugly! So… not gonna happen.” She crosses her arms in front of her chest and then sweeps them to the sides, hoping that including her body in on lie will somehow make the statement seem more convincing.

 

“Oh, I don’t know about that,” Alex smirks into her beer bottle, her jaw set in challenge, and Kara can feel the nausea creeping up her throat before Alex even has a chance to form her next words. “I think she’s pretty hot.”

 

The words are barely out of Alex’s mouth before Kara is standing for absolutely no reason at all, clearing her throat and then sitting back down again awkwardly.

 

“Oh my god, gorgeous. Right?” Winn chimes in. He looks around the table for affirmation and is met with a chorus of nods.

 

“It is true that Lena has been included on a number of lists by popular publications as being among the most attractive in the country’s upper class.”

 

_Rao, not you too Brainy._

 

“Well I’ll make sure to tell her how you all feel the next time I see her, then.”

 

“Will that be at one of those lunch dates you two have so often?” Sam draws out the ‘s’ in dates a little longer than Kara thinks is strictly necessary, her eyes absolutely alight with amusement, and Kara is standing again before she can fully process the implications of the question.

 

“ _Okay!_ Is anyone else warm? Gosh, it is a scorcher in here. I think I’m gonna just-” she jerks her thumb toward the balcony, “-get some air.”

 

“I think it feels fine.” Alex calls teasingly over her shoulder but Kara is already slipping the balcony door closed behind her.

 

The cool air washes over her skin and she inhales a deep steadying breath.

 

So, her secret feelings aren’t much of a secret afterall.

 

_Were they ever?_

 

She laces her fingers at the nape of her neck and lets her head fall back with a sigh.

 

It’s no surprise, she’s never been great at masking her emotions, has always worn her heart like a badge on her sleeve. But this situation isn’t like any she’s encountered before, the stakes are so much higher and the fall so much farther. Lena’s past is littered with a trail of broken trust and heartbreak and Kara can’t be the one who ruins another one of her relationships. Not after what’s happened with her family, with Jack, her mother.

 

No. She won’t do that to Lena, won’t risk hurting her, won’t risk _losing_ her. Not when she’s only just figured out how much she means to her.

 

So for Lena she’ll try, she’ll do whatever it takes. She’ll roll her heart up into the folds of her shirt, tuck it into her pocket, anything to keep what she has with Lena from turning sideways, from becoming _complicated._ Because if she’s transparent enough for her friends to notice, it’s only a matter of time before Lena will be able to see how deeply she’s fallen for her.

 

She runs her fingers through her hair, pulling out the pins and stripping down to her suit. She needs to focus on what she does best, on protecting the city, protecting her heart, and maybe these feelings will fade away. Maybe they’ll soften like an old photograph left in the sun, until the edges aren’t sharp enough to cut her anymore.

 

She tucks her clothes under a patio chair and shoots a quick text to Alex that she has to go. She thinks of texting Lena that she’ll be patrolling tonight, that she may not be able to answer when she inevitably calls later, she always worries when Kara doesn’t check in. But her finger hesitates over the screen for only a moment before she decides against it, silencing her ringer and tucking her phone away into the pocket of her suit instead.

 

She lets the wind whip at her face as she ascends into the night, lets the bustling sounds of the city flood through her until she can no longer hear the churning of her thoughts or the thudding of her heart against her ribs.

  
  


\----

  


_“So... are we just going to pretend that didn’t just happen or…”_

 

_“That was textbook gay panic. Just... painful to watch.”_

 

_“Sam, Winn, don’t start. They’re adults, they need to figure it out on their own. We’ve already done more than we should.”_

 

_“But guys, you haven’t seen this list! It’s like, insane. I feel like I’m being punk’d.”_

 

_“List?”_

 

_“What list?”_

 

_“What are you talking about?”_

 

_“Oh my god, this list that Lena is making of her ideal partner. It’s… it’s unbelievably gay. Just off the charts sapphic.”_

 

_“Sam-”_

 

_“I’ve never seen anything more homoerotic in my entire life. Really, it’s a cry for help! She may as well lay herself out in Kara’s bed with her body covered in potstickers.”_

 

_“Uh, gross!"_

 

_“Really, Sam. Just stop right there. I really didn’t want to know that. Plus, you know Lena would kill you if you told us anything more.”_

 

_“Yea, and then she’d spend her last hours as a free woman hunting the rest of us down too.”_

 

_“I know, I know, but this list, guys... Someone has to say something. I’m getting an ulcer watching this play out.”_

 

_“She’ll figure it out.”_

 

_“Yea, you know Lena, she just has to do it herself.”_

 

_“Fine. But what about dummy number two.”_

 

_“Hoh boy.”_

 

_“That one might need a little bit of help.”_

  


* * *

 

  


_“Hey, you’ve reached Kara Danvers! Leave me a message or just shoot me a text!”_

 

_Beep._

 

“Hey Kara, oh gosh, I didn’t realize the time. I’m just calling to let you know that I’m on my way home. The date actually wasn’t half bad this time. Just wanted to, you know, give you the scoop. Ugh, reporter pun, I know, I heard how dorky it sounded. Give me a call or text me when you get this. Bye.”

 

Lena hangs up the phone and turns to look out the window at the passing city lights. It’s a little strange that Kara didn’t answer, but then again it’s later than she expected to be heading home after one of her dates, the usual hustle and bustle of the city sidewalks subdued into the soft glow of neon signs and the occasional late night dog walker.

 

She’d lost track of time, which was… pleasantly surprising. Usually she’s counting down the seconds until she can make a quiet exit but…

 

Tonight had been different.

 

Lena ducks her head and smiles to herself, her fingers coming up to touch a spot at the corner of her mouth.

 

Her date had been charming and smart. A neurosurgeon at the children’s hospital and a captivating conversationalist.

 

Lena remembers holding out her hand in introduction as she approached the table where the woman was already sat, her light brown hair swooped over one shoulder and a stunning smile already painted across her features. Lena had been a little taken aback at the soft but firm grip that encompassed her own and the deep hazel eyes that were so… open, in a way that echoed through her with uncanny familiarity as the woman had introduced herself.

 

Elle.

 

Lena presses a hand to her stomach, feeling it swoop just a little at her memories of the night.

 

It was so strange but, she’d had _fun._ Her laughter had come so easily, drawn from her effortlessly by Elle’s graceful charm and quick wit. And the thrill that ran through Lena as they bantered easily about medical technologies and the bioethical implications that lie therein was a new experience entirely for one of her dates. An almost joyous _relief._ One that Lena didn’t know she had been craving until Elle had delivered it to her with a disarming smile and Lena had let herself be swept up completely in the familiarity of it.

 

Because it did seem familiar, an echo of the countless conversations she’d had with Kara on her couch. Except this time it was dark eyes that shone in the low light of a candle rather than endless blue, and the soft tinkling of piano that played in the distance instead of the murmur of a movie playing unwatched in the corner. Not that the two scenarios were comparable. They were totally different. Obviously.

 

Lena shakes the thought from her head, her eyes fixing on the taillights in front of her and her mind wandering back to the restaurant.

 

They’d stayed talking for far longer than Lena had planned, only leaving after the bartender began counting his till and their waiter had brought over the check with an apologetic smile.

 

_“Wow, I had no idea it was this late.” Lena had felt herself growing self-conscious, “I’m sorry I kept you so long. And you have that surgery tomorrow-”_

 

_“No, don’t be sorry.” Elle had reached across the table, her hand coming to rest atop Lena’s with an earnest smile, “I’ve had a really great time.”_

 

_“So have I.” Lena had breathed, a smile twitching at the corners of her lips._

 

It wasn’t until they were stepping out of the restaurant that Lena had paused in her stride, long enough for the woman to notice and scrunch her brow in concern.

 

Sam’s voice had suddenly echoed loud and urgent from the back of her mind, urging Lena to loosen up, to take a chance, and Lena’s fingers had reached into her pocket without thought. Almost as if in a trance she’d held out a shaky hand, her fingers wrapped around a business card with her personal number scrawled on the back, and Elle had taken it with a soft smile.

 

And then, without warning, Elle had leaned in close and Lena’s heart came to an almost complete stop as the woman pressed her lips to the corner of Lena’s own.

 

It was barely a touch, a mere ghost of a kiss, but Lena had felt a small jolt at the juncture of their lips and a swoop in her stomach as Elle pulled away with another soft smile and turned to leave.

 

Lena twists in her seat, a strange excited energy humming through her body. There’s a nagging itch in her palms, an unrelenting pull in her chest that wants to hear Kara’s voice, that wants to tell her all about the confusion that’s swirling in her stomach and the excitement that’s pumping through her, and her thumb is hovering over Kara’s contact again before she can think twice about it.

 

But before she can press the call button an incoming text appears at the top of the screen from an unknown number.

 

_I had a really lovely time tonight. I’d love to take you to that sushi place I was telling you about. No pressure. - Elle_

 

Lena sucks her lip between her teeth. There’s something about this woman that she can’t quite place... Maybe it’s her easy laugh or her soft eyes. Or maybe it was the way she had spoken with passion and conviction, with an authority that invited respect but didn’t demand it. Or maybe it was just that she had seemed so... gosh, Lena can’t put her finger on it and it has her reeling.

 

She’s typing out a reply before she can lose her nerve, throwing caution to the wind.

 

_If it’s as amazing as you say, how could I refuse? - Lena_

 

-

 

It isn’t until Lena is stepping out of her dress and pulling her hair from it’s binds that she gets a text from Kara.

 

_Sorry I can’t talk rn. Slammed. Call you tomorrow._

 

It feels blunt, like she’s being brushed off and Lena’s heart sinks into her stomach. Her phone calls with Kara have been the highlights of her nights, her anchor during the chaos of the past few weeks, and the dismissal stings in a way Lena isn’t prepared for.

 

Which is silly. She’ll talk to her tomorrow. It’s just that… Kara is her person. The one who helps Lena untangle the mess of thoughts that spin inside her, the one who makes Lena feel grounded when the world around her makes her feel untethered.

 

Her phone buzzes again and her heart perks up in her chest.

 

_Is it too cliche to say that I had a really lovely time again?_

 

The message is sweet, and part of her preens at the flattery, but the way her heart falls again when she sees the text is from Elle and not the usual string of emojis that Kara sends when she’s too busy to talk is gnawing at the back of her mind.

 

She types and retypes a reply, erasing each draft before landing on something noncommittal but polite. As soon as the message is sent she finds herself hovering over Kara’s contact again, unable to shake the ache that lingers just behind her sternum.

 

She taps out another message on instinct. _‘Please be safe.’_ followed by a heart emoji.

 

It’s a simple message, one Lena’s sent to Kara dozens of times, but there’s something that feels different now, like there’s more woven between the spaces and consonants.

 

-

 

Lena lays awake that night staring at her ceiling through the darkness. The night plays and replays on a loop through her mind until the details start to shift, until the swirl of brown and green that gleamed over the flickering candle becomes a piercing blue, until the soft slope of the jaw that had smiled across the table from her is hardening into a sharp line and familiar quirk of lips.

 

Until she’s falling asleep to a new memory of blonde hair fluttering against her neck instead of brown as impossibly soft lips connect with her skin.    

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> catch me on mumblr as rumpledpaper


End file.
